Who's afraid to love the big bad wolf?
by DeliciousNewYork
Summary: Remus has a secret, married lover, and a certain someone is beginning to suspect! And get very jealous. Eventual RLSB. MWPP seventh year.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: This will eventually become a **slash** story between Sirius and Remus. The chapters are told in the first person, alternating between Remus and Sirius.

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She's here for two weeks. Her husband has temporarily taken over Muggle Studies until someone else can be found. Ted Tonks often does things like that for Dumbledore. She came with. I want to see her. No, I need to see her. But having her this close, this accessible, is nerve-wracking. I see her everyday. She never looks at me, not the slightest glance to indicate how intimate we've been. I try to not look at her, but she's beautiful.

My owl delivers me a note. _Tonight_. That is all it says, but I know when and where. I've been expecting this ever since I learned Ted would be taking his class on a trip to spend the weekend in the muggle world.

I can't concentrate in class. I stare at the teacher, and I am writing notes, but I know I'll need to spend Monday in the library to learn what I am missing right now.

I feel eyes staring at me. I turn slightly to see my best friend Sirius Black giving me a concerned look. Shit, I think, he knows something. Sirius can be incredibly perceptive, and he knows I'm agitated. I give him a slight smile before pretending to turn my attention back to the professor. He's still staring.

Class ends, and I jump out of my seat and quickly leave the room. I don't want to see Sirius right now. He'll ask too many questions, and with my frayed nerves, I might let something slip. It would be disastrous if he knew.

I'm jittery. I can't see her until midnight. I don't know how I'll be able to sneak out of Gryffindor tower. It's a Friday night; everyone will be up late, much later than midnight. I sit in the library, an open book before me, but I'm not reading. I'm thinking of ways to distract the other Marauders. This is the first time I'll be with her on school property, with my friends close by. Finally, a simple answer comes to me. It's so simple; I don't know why it took me so long to figure it out. Alcohol. I'll get my friends to pissed they won't even realize when I say I'm going to raid the kitchens and don't come back.

I stare at the words in the book before me. I should be able to concentrate now. But I can't. Now all I can think about is her.

I met her about year and a half ago during Christmas break. Sirius was staying with his one and only family member who could stand the sight of him: Andromeda and her husband Theodore Tonks. James, Peter, and I all came to visit, not wanting Sirius to dwell on the fact this would be his first Christmas away from his home.

The four of us were sitting around, drinking, when James in a rather loud voice began to plan for our next full-moon adventure. I didn't find out until later that we had been overheard.

I was sharing the guest room with peter, James was in Sirius' room, when I heard the door creak open. Peter was fast asleep, snoring loudly. I got up quickly, not sure what was going on. Andromeda was outside the room, a strange glint in her eyes. I asked if everything was okay. She grabbed my arm and led me to the bathroom. My mind was groggy from sleep. She quickly pushed me through the door and placed a silencing spell around the room.

"Can I see your scar?" Were the first words to come out of her mouth.

"What?" I had no idea what she was talking about. My brain still was not functioning properly.

"Your scar. The one from the werewolf bite." I was awake now. Fear flooded through me, and adrenaline began coursing through my veins. I tried to conceal my emotions and asked as casually as I could, "What makes you think I've been bitten by a werewolf?"

She smirked. "Well, one has to be bitten by a werewolf in order to become one." I started to deny that I was a werewolf, but she cut me off saying, "I know you are one. Next time you want to keep a secret, don't let your friends shout it out. So, I'm going to ask you again, Can I see your scar?"

I shook my head slightly and turned to leave the bathroom. She pushed past me and leaned her back into the door, blocking my escape.

"Remus," it was the first time she had said my name. I shuddered as how wonderful my name sounded coming from her lips.

"Remus, I'm not going to tell anyone. And you don't need to be afraid that I am somehow going to use it against you. I'm just curious."

"I should get back to bed. I don't want Peter to wake and wonder." I grabbed the door handle, but she didn't budge.

"I just want to see. I knew a girl when I was in school who was a werewolf. She was fascinating. I just want to know more about werewolves. Is that such a bad thing? The more educated people get about werewolves, the more tolerance can be gained."

I mentally conceded that she had a point. Most of the fear from werewolves came from ignorance. I released the handle and took a step back. She smiled softly. It was a wonderful, soft smile. I began to unbutton my pajama top. I undid the top three buttons then slid the shirt off my left shoulder. She came closer, and walked around me. The scar from the bite was where my neck met shoulder, more on my back than my front. She reached out slender fingers, and gently caressed the scar. The flesh was twisted and rough. Besides my parents, a few healers, and the Marauders, no one had ever seen this scar.

I noticed her breathing had quickened. I looked back at her, and her cheeks were flushed. I was about to ask her if everything was all right when she pushed me against the bathroom door and pressed her lips to mine. Her kiss was forceful, violent even. It was not what I expected the wife of Ted Tonks to kiss like. Then again, I didn't expect the wife of Ted Tonks to kiss anyone but Ted Tonks. Before I realized what was happening, I was kissing her back just as violently. I had never really kissed someone like this. There had been occasional kisses with a few girls, and up until that point I would have said that kissing really didn't appeal to me.

But that kiss was natural, I was meant to kiss with violent passion.

Her body pressed against mine. She had unbuttoned the rest of my shirt and pulled it off my shoulders. She broke the kiss, and looked into my eyes. She took a step back, ran a hand through her hair, and apologized. With her no longer in contact, I quickly grabbed my shirt and left the bathroom.

The presence of someone sitting next to me jolted me out of my memory. I was still sitting in the library, still staring at the same page. Sirius was seated next to me.

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	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Not Mine

A/N: This will eventually become a **slash** story between Sirius and Remus. The chapters are told in the first person, alternating between Remus and Sirius. This one is Sirius. Wow, that could be a really bad pun.

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He's been on edge and I don't know why. It bothers me when I can't figure him out. I have every one else wrapped around my finger and inside a little box, but he always finds ways to elude me.

I stared at him in class, trying to get him to meet my eyes. He does, but only for a brief second, and I gain nothing from the look. Just a tight, worried smile. I don't understand. It's closer to the new moon than the full.

He rushed from class so quickly that I didn't see where he was going. He wasn't hard to find. He always goes to the library, but never to the same spot.

I watch him. I watch as he picks a book from the shelf, not even bothering to read the title. I watch as he takes a seat and opens the book to a random page. He's staring at the book, but I know he's not reading it. I watch as his face clouds over; he's in a memory.

I slowly make my way to his table and ease myself into the chair next to him. It takes him a few moments to register that I am there, and when he does, I see his shoulders tense and his lips tighten.

"Everything alright Remus?" I am pleased at how casual my voice sounds, like I don't have a care in the world.

He flashes me a bright smile, but it doesn't reach his eyes. I know what Remus looks like when he is genuinely smiling, and that was not it. But I nod anyway, giving a slight smile of my own.

He's acting like he did when he was trying to hide the fact that he was a werewolf, secretive. He's hiding something. I knew it then, and I know it now.

I'm upset that he feels he needs to hide something from me, from all of us. We didn't forsake him when we discovered he was a werewolf, and we wouldn't do so now. What is he hiding?

I know he won't tell me what's wrong, not yet. For whatever reason, he's unsure and worried about something. I would think it's a girl, but why would he keep that a secret? I sigh inwardly and get up to leave.

"Sirius, drinks on me tonight."

I turn abruptly to him. Remus wants to get the drinks for the guys? He does not approve of drinking on school property. I realize now that whatever is bothering Remus is bigger than I thought. And he was feeling guilty about it. The last time he bought drinks for us we found out he wasn't going to help us on an upcoming prank, and he wanted to make it up.

I don't let my concern show on my face. I just give another small smile that fades the minute by back is to him.

I head back to the common room; I need to talk to James. I cross over to where James is attempting to look studious in front of Evans. I feel eyes following me. There was a time where I relished that feeling. There was a time where no girl was safe from me. I had a new girl every week, a horrible reputation, but girls still came to me.

I stopped caring about how many girls I could shag when I was disowned from my family. It's been a while now, and I'm over it, but I just don't care about them anymore, if I ever did care. I sit down in an armchair in front of the fire, smirking at James who scowls at me. I feel a hand brush my shoulder, and a note falls into my lap.

_Meet me tonight. You won't regret it._

I groan inwardly. I started something with Mary a while ago, and I had only been with her. It was strange for me to be so exclusive, but I didn't want to me some kind of man-whore. She's stunning. Not beautiful, but most guys can't take their eyes off her. Something about the way she walks, they way she carries herself, exudes sex.

Do I want her? No. Will I go to her? Yes. I don't know why really. It's not that I want someone else.

When I first began exploring the dark and secretive world of sex, I thought it was the best thing in the world. But now, it's just sex. Yes, it's still an intimate act, but it carries no meaning for me. It's a function that I perform, exceedingly well if you ask a number of girls, but I don't enjoy it as I used to. The worst part is I don't know why. I can still do what needs to be done, I'm not turning impotent after all, but now I feel like sex is a chore rather than a pleasure.

I see girls I once would have gone crazy for, and I feel nothing.

I don't meet Mary that night. Remus keeps to his word and buys us all drinks, and we get so plastered that I completely forget about Mary. I pass out; incredibly early I'm sad to say.

I wake about an hour before dawn. I'm in my bed, but I don't remember getting there. Peter is snoring softly. He's lying on the floor, but his feet are on his bed. I have no idea how he does that. James is curled into a ball at the foot of his bed. I glance over to Remus's, only to find it empty.

I lay in confusion for a few minutes, trying to think past my intense hangover. What the hell did Remus put in our drinks?

I think he's probably just in the bathroom, but that illusion is shattered when he walks through the door.

I close my eyes enough so he won't notice they are open. He's carrying his tie in his hand, and his shirt is not buttoned all the way. His shoes are untied. He goes to the window, leans his elbows on the sill, and places his head in his hands.

He's close enough now that I can smell him. Being an Animagus has its uses. I've noticed my senses have become sharper, especially my sense of smell. Remus smells like sex. I've intimately familiar with the scent myself, but it's shocking to discover it on Remus.

I'm hurt that he wouldn't tell us he's seeing someone. The four of us share everything, and he is keeping a secret, a very big secret.

I hear him sigh before he removes his shoes. He then walks into the bathroom. I hear water running. When he emerges, he is no longer wearing his shirt. He has it crumpled in his hand, and he throws it across the room, as if in anger. The only problem: a shirt is too light to be effective in an angry throw.

As I continue to watch him pace around the room, run his hands through his hair, or sit on his bed in a dejected manner, I realize I am seeing a side of Remus I've never known existed. I also realize I've never seen him without a shirt on.

The morning after a full moon, no one watches as he changes back and dresses himself. We all want to give him privacy, and he appreciates it.

I look at his main scar, the one Greyback gave him. He showed us, once. I can see now that is not the only scar he has. His torso and arms are covered in scars, no doubt made by him as the wolf. Some are probably from Greyback as well.

He looks so strong, and yet fragile with those scars covering his pale body. I feel something in the pit of my stomach, almost like nausea, but not nearly as unpleasant. It's not a feeling I'm familiar with.

He goes back to the window. The sky is lightening, heralding the approach of dawn. He turns his back on the sunrise and whispers to himself, "What are you doing Remus?," before getting into bed.

I lay awake, listening to the sounds of his breathing. I can hear the change when he is finally asleep. I do not sleep. I can't stop thinking about who Remus is sleeping with. The more I dwell on that, the worse the feeling in my stomach gets. It finally does turn to nausea. I run into the bathroom to vomit, telling myself it's the hangover, not that Remus has a lover, which is upsetting to me.

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	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Not my characters. Please don't sue me. I have no money.

A/N: And we're back to Remus.

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It's surprisingly easy to get my friends drunk. It's even easier to get them to pass out at 11:45 when a sleeping draught is added to the already intoxicating depressant.

They are so pissed I help each of them stumble up the stairs to our dormitory. It's also surprisingly easy for me to sneak out, even without James's invisibility cloak. Everything is quiet, dead even. I meet no one and make it to her rooms in only a few minutes. I'm right on-time.

I don't even knock. At the start of…whatever we have, I used to knock, but she would just get irritated. She told me I was expected, so I didn't need to ask for permission to enter by knocking.

I see only the back of her head. She's sitting in front of the fireplace. I walk up behind her and gently place my hands on her shoulders, before lowering my head to hers and grazing her neck with a soft kiss. I feel her smile.

"Remus," she purrs, "If I had wanted a gentle lover, I would be content with my husband."

I jerk straight up, caught off guard by her use of the "h" word. She turns around, a small smirk on her face, but she loses it as she sees the incredulity in my face. I give a small laugh, and turn to go. She's up immediately.

"Remus, I'm sorry."

I stop, but do not turn around, and say in a soft whisper, "This isn't right. And you just reminded me why. I should go."

Before I can take another step, I feel her gently grasp my arm.

"Remus…Remus, look at me please." I don't want to. If I look at her, I won't leave, I know I won't. But she is pleading. I can't stand it when she pleads with me. It makes me feel horrible that I have put her in a position where she needs to beg, makes me feel like I am becoming the monster lurking within me. So I turn and look at her, and tears are glistening in her eyes.

"I shouldn't have said that Remus. I'm sorry. But can't you see that's why I need you?"

I don't know what she is talking about, and I tell her so.

"Remus, I'm scared." This revelation shocks me. I never pictured her being afraid of anything. She continues, "I'm scared that I will end up like the rest of my family: cold and unfeeling. I thought that by marrying Ted I could distance myself from them. And while I love Ted, I love him so much, I sometimes stop feeling anything when he is around. Even with Nymph, I don't feel. And that scares me. I'm supposed to feel emotion when my daughter is around. But I can't. Only with you do I feel something. I need you Remus. I need you so I can feel. I don't want to be empty, and the only time I am not empty is when you are inside me. I need you Remus."

She's crying now, and I take her in my arms. I feel her body shaking against mine.

"You're not empty. You could never be empty." I whisper these words and other comforts into her ears. Soon, her sobs quiet and cease, but she still clings to be. Dimly, I am aware of a small part of my mind warning that I should have stopped this a long time ago. I ignore that part and lead her into the bedroom. She's not the only one who needs to feel.

Afterwards, I hold her until she is sleeping. Usually, I would leave before then, but I can't stand the thought of leaving. I ease myself from her grasp and gently tuck her in, kissing her forehead.

It's not until I am on my way back to my own bed when the guilt hits. I'm sneaking around the corridors, making as little noise as possible, when the sharp pain of a conscience awakening hits me with such force I gasp aloud.

I repeatedly made love to a married woman. My skin is burning with shame, but also desire. I can still smell her on me, a strange but intoxicating mix of elderflower and her own personal scent. Not many enjoy the scent of elder, but on her, it is perfect. Nothing smells as good as that woman does after our passions have intertwined.

My breathing is heavy with guilt, panic, and a consuming desire to run back to her room and waken her with soft caresses and begin the whole thing over again and again. But I gain control of myself. I can control the wolf within me, and I can control these feelings. I keep telling myself these lies over and over until I am back in the Gryffindor common room.

I stand in the middle of the large room, trying to calm myself down. Eventually, I make it upstairs to my dormitory. I quickly take in that my dorm mates are still asleep and make my way to the window. I'm desperately trying to stop the feelings of guilt inside of me. Why don't I feel like this when we are together? I need to stop thinking about her, because when I think of her, I think of what we do together. Damn, I need a cold shower.

I resort to splashing freezing water on my face. I look at my shirt. Some of the buttons are missing. Shit. I angrily rip the rest of it off.

I want to pace and scream and yell, but I settle for quietly being restless. They are all asleep, but for how long?

I look back out the window, and the sky is brightening. I decide to fake sleeping in case they wake up.

I'm lying in bed, trying to keep my breathing even, when I hear movement from another bed. I hear someone go into the bathroom to vomit. I'm hit with a second wave of guilt; because I know it is my fault someone is hung-over in the bathroom. I risk a quick glance and determine Sirius is the hung-over one. This is odd, as he can hold his liquor. I would have expected Peter to vomit before Sirius.

I can't take this much guilt in one night, so I sit up to ask if he is okay when he emerges. He looks awful. Worn and tired. He jerks a bit when he sees I am actually awake. But then a cold glint appears in his eyes as he slowly makes his way to my bed. My hands shake slightly, and I clasp them in front of me.

"Everything alright Sirius?" He just stares at me. I get a sinking feeling of intuition that he knows I was gone for almost the entire night.

He takes a few more steps and sits on the edge of my bed. His face is expressionless, his face gives away nothing. But I can smell worry on him. It's strange to smell emotions on people, but it is something I've done ever since my first transformation. He smells of worry and a touch of something familiar. Elderflower. Like his cousin. The slightly unpleasant aroma fit him just like it fit her. For the first time, I dwelled on how Sirius smelled. His own personal scent was almost like hers. It was just as intoxicating. My head began to spin. I was tired and confused, but Sirius jolted me out of my musing by asking in a whisper, "Where were you?"

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	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I am only…borrowing these characters.

A/N: And back to Sirius' POV. Things will get a _bit_ slashy! I'm such a tease.

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"Where were you?" The words escape my lips without thought. I didn't want to ask him. No, I want to know, but I want him to tell me when he ready, not when I force it upon him.

I wait patiently for his reply, but he looks away. He's clenching his fists in his lap.

"Remus…look at me." I am shocked at the cold command in my voice. Whatever happened to not wanting to force his confession? Even so, he continues to stare away.

"I'm sorry you were sick," he whispers gently. For a moment I'm confused, until I realize he's feeling guilty about getting us all drunk. Except that he shouldn't feel guilty about that. He's feeling guilty about something else then. Finally, I decide to just come out and ask him.

"Who are you fucking Remus?" I don't want to sound harsh, but he's betrayed me, betrayed James and Peter. Finally he looks at me. I expected more guilt, so I was not prepared for the unforgiving and unrelenting stare he fixed me with.

"That's really none of your business. Now, I've had a long night, as you know, so I would like to get some sleep before it's completely bright out." And he turned from be and lay back down to go to sleep. I didn't move from the edge of the bed. Instead, I reached over and grabbed his bare shoulder to shake some sense into him. He stiffens at my touch. I lean over him, desperate to know why he would keep secrets from his friends.

"Remus, why didn't you tell us? We would have been happy for you. You don't need to keep secrets from your friends."

His only response is to shrug his shoulders, effectively throwing my hand off his body. I'm still leaning over him, and I breathe in deeply, an inward sigh of frustration. And I smell him. I smell Remus and sex and sweat, and I'm more turned on than I have been in months. The hint of him I smelled when he first walked in was nothing compared to up close.

I quickly get myself off his bed, and make my way back into the bathroom. My breathing has quickened, I can feel my face flush. I splash cold water on my face, but my face is not where cold water needs to be. I quickly shed my cloths and head for a shower.

The cold water pouring down my back cools my feverish skin. I begin to take care of an unexpected problem, hell, at least it's morning.

I always thought of Remus as a virgin. For some reason, the thought of Remus intimate with someone never crossed my mind. Well it's crossing now. I can clearly see Remus writhing and moaning, his eyes lidded with ecstasy. I put one hand against the wall and increase the pace with my other.

I finish and clean myself off. My breathing is shaky, shallow even. I have never, ever had to do that because I was thinking of a guy, and one of my best mates no less.

The rest of the week passes in a blur. I can dimly remember James giving me a few concerned looks, but other than that, nothing. Because I can't forget that morning. I can't forget Moony's refusal to open up to his friends. Can't forget my reaction. Shit, there it goes again, and in the middle of class too. Shit.

"Sirius," Remus whispers. I try to control my breathing. What the hell is happening to me? I'm acting like some prepubescent boy who is experiencing hormones for the first time.

"We need to talk." I nod in response, as if he was asking a question.

He follows me closely when class is dismissed so I won't run off. I guess he knows me too well. As we walk to a place where we can speak without interruptions, I make sure to wink and smile at every pretty girl we pass. Many giggle, all are flattered.

This is who I am supposed to be. I am Sirius Black, popular, exciting, and lover of women. And werewolves apparently.

Remus leads me into the library. Of course. He goes into some random, back section that contains books most people will never come across in their entire lifetime.

I casually lean against the bookshelves, giving off an air of indifference. Inside, however, I'm shaking and nervous. I don't know how to act around him. If it was any girl I wanted to shag, I would make it perfectly clear to her what I wanted, and she would agree to it more often than not.

But it was so different with him. It was intense, and sudden, and I know he won't want me the way I want him.

Maybe I'll get over it.

Remus is looking at me with concern in his amber eyes. His hair is falling into his face and he impatiently brushes is aside. His tie and shirt are loose, and I can see his collarbone.

I'm not getting over it.

"Why are you avoiding me? Is it because of the other morning?" He waits for my reply, but I don't know what to tell him.

"Please talk to me Sirius. The full moon is in a week. I need you."

He has no idea what those words are doing to my blood pressure. I'm still leaning against the shelves, but my body is not relaxed.

"Sirius, I don't like how things went the other morning. I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you. But you need to understand that while I am seeing someone, it's very…casual."

"What are saying?" Casual? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

"It means that it's her secret too, and she's not ready to tell. So I can't."

Her. She. Of course Remus wants a girl. You wanted girls too, or at least, you did. What the fuck is the matter with me? This is Remus! The boy, your friend! He's with a girl, and you should find a girl.

I'm too busy arguing with myself to notice the look Remus is giving me. He pulls me from my thoughts by asking, "Sirius, do you understand?"

I nod, trying to keep my pose casual…at ease…damn Remus and his fuck buddy girlfriend.

"I overreacted. I'm sorry too." That sounded incredibly lame, but Remus sighs in relief.

"Thanks for understanding," he pauses, "could you not tell James and Peter? I really don't want to have to have this conversation with them too."

I give him one of my smiles, you know the one, and he gives me a tight smile in return. He grabs his bag and quickly exits. I slide to the floor.

I can't breathe. No one has ever had this effect on me. I quickly take my tie off and unbutton the top buttons of my shirt. It's too warm in here. I can't stay here; I need some privacy. I get up and make my way to the nearest broom closet. It's dingy and dirty, but I can have some privacy. My back is against the wall and I let all thoughts of Remus consume me.

_Remus on his back in my bed, my hands touching every part of his body_…I undo my belt buckle…_Remus pushing me to the floor, straddling me_…button and zipper are next…_Remus moaning as his hardness rubs against mine_…hands reaching…_kissing, licking, biting_…

The thoughts go on and on.

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	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: see previous chapters. NOTHING has changed as I have been unable to weasel my way into JKR's will. Oh well. One can hope.

Full moon tonight. Sirius said we are all okay now, but I'm not so sure. We aren't the same as we used to be. He's distant. Perhaps I should say I was distant first.

I avoided her all week. It's not that I don't want to see her. I do. She's all I can think about. Well, almost all. Sirius pops in my head every once and a while to. Increasingly actually, the closer I get to the full moon. And now it's here. James and Peter are starting to notice something is not right with us. This is not going to be a pleasant evening. With us not connecting as a group, things could be like they used to be, when I endured my pain in solitude. I shudder at what I went through for my earlier transformations.

I don't want to hurt myself tonight.

But I know I will. I always do, it's just going to bad. I'm scared. Sirius is the one who keeps me grounded, the one who stops me from being a danger to myself. James makes sure I don't hurt anyone else. But Sirius won't look me in the eye.

I go to madam Pomfrey to get some valerian root tea. It helps to calm my nerves, sometimes. I would like something stronger, but she never gives it to me. Better than nothing I guess.

I'm wandering the halls, waiting for the valerian to kick in, when I see her. I have a free period, not many do at this time. Her husband is teaching right now. She notices me. At the back of my mind, I'm upset she saw me. For an instant, I wanted to just walk away. She looks into my eyes and walks away. I know she's going to her rooms. The rooms she shares with her husband. Sometimes, I can't wait until they find a permanent teacher for muggle studies. I just want her to go. And yet, I find myself going into her rooms, without knocking.

She was waiting for me. I barely get the door closed before she is pressed against me, kissing me as if we never will kiss again. I lead her to the sofa and we fall into it, me on top of her. My hands are under her shirt, and her hands are making their way down the front of my pants. I move from her lips to her neck. She moans and writhes under me and pushes my pants down around my knees. He legs curl around me, pulling me closer.

A week is too long a time for me to not be with her.

I'm panting and sweating, my forehead resting against hers. Her breathing begins to slow.

"Are you going to be okay?" she asks me, concern plain in her voice.

I let out a slight laugh. "Generally the guy asks the girl that."

She hits the side of my head. "I meant about tonight."

"I know. And I'll be fine. I've been doing this for a long time now. I can handle it."

She nods. "You've got to go soon. Nymph is finally coming."

At the mention of her daughter's name, I quickly get off of her and pull my pants up, hastily tucking in my shirt. Any reminder of her family sends me into a panic. And then the guilt hits.

She laughs. "Not this very second. Just soon." I give a soft laugh in return, but I know I have to leave now. I shouldn't have come. I almost wish I hadn't. That particular thought doesn't last long. She's still on the sofa and has made no move to straighten her clothes out. She stretches and sits up. She picks her underwear up from the floor, but makes no move to put it back on. Instead, she stuffs them into my pocket. I feel slightly foolish. I never thought I would be the kind of guy to have panties in his pocket. Sirius would be that kind of guy, not me. I lay a soft kiss on her lips. To my surprise, she doesn't mock me, or make a comment about having a "gentle lover." Instead, she presses her lips back, ever so slightly. She's not touching me anywhere else, just her lips.

"Mama?" I spring away instantly, only to see a little girl standing in the doorway. Thankfully, she's alone. I don't spend time to say hello, rather, I rush from the room.

I'm running through the corridors, almost sick to my stomach. That was her daughter. Her daughter saw her mother kissing someone who wasn't her father. Would she tell anyone? Would her mother tell her to keep quiet? Does she remember my face?

The thoughts keep repeating themselves over and over in my head. I'm sitting in the common room, just staring into the dying fire. I stay there the rest of the day. James makes an attempt to talk to me, but I ignore him. I ignore everything.

I don't remember my transformation. I woke up in the hospital wing, cuts stinging all over my body, with blue and purple bruises outlined in a wonderful shade of sunshine yellow. I'm smiling sardonically when James, Peter and Sirius walk into the room. My smile changes to a more pleasant one. It's nice to see the concern in their faces. They don't look reassured by my new facial expression, so I drop it. They inch closer to my bed, as if they are afraid of me. I feel worry and panic creeping into my chest.

What did I do last night? I can't remember. It's been a long time since I've forgotten everything. When I was a child, sometimes I would block out the experience, but ever since James, Peter and Sirius knew about me, I could remember more and more. And when they ran with me as animagus, I remember with more clarity than ever. So why was I forgetting now.

What did I do?

Finally James breaks the silence. "Everything okay?" He asks tentatively, in a soft whisper, as though I may snap at any moment.

"I'm fine." I try to say it with conviction. But the panic that has been growing within me escapes through my voice. Their looks of concern deepen.

We lapse back into silence. James is closest to me, staring at me. Peter is shifting uncomfortably just off James' shoulder. And Sirius is at the foot of my bed. He will look at me, and then away. He also is shifting slightly, but I can barely tell.

"What happened?" I finally whisper. I need to know.

"Do you remember anything?" James asks in reply.

"No."

James opens his mouth, but Madame Pomfrey bursts in to usher them all out.

I sit in the hospital wing all day, staring at the opposite wall. I barely blink. My breathing is slow and even. I'm desperately trying to remember anything from last night. Finally, an image hits me. It's during my transformation itself. I'm already scratching at my arms, my torso, my legs. I'm alone. The rest of the marauders haven't gotten there yet. No one can stop me.

The memory leaves me.

I am supposed to stay in the hospital wing overnight, and usually I sneak out and go back to my own bed. Tonight I stay. I'm not sure I want to know what I did last night.

The nightmares came that night. Nightmares I used to have as a child. Nightmares that would wake me in the middle of the night screaming. I don't scream now. When I'm awake I can never remember my attack, never remember my first transformation. Only in my nightmares do I remember.

It's just before dawn when I give up on sleep.

I slip out of bed and wince as I stand up. My bruises are gone, but the scratches remain. Cuts are hard enough to heal with magic, and those caused by a werewolf are almost impossible. I peel off my nightclothes and peer at my body in the dim early morning light. My skin is a shredded mess of crisscrossing scrapes. I lightly trace a few with my fingernails. I did this to myself.

I get dressed in the clothes that have been set out for me. They must have been brought when my friends came to see me. It's my school uniform, minus my robe. I have class today. Shit. Why couldn't the full moon always fall on a weekend?

I am slowly making my way back to the Gryffindor dormitories when I start finding it hard to breathe. The walls are closing in around me. I change direction and head for the nearest exit. The walls are stifling. As soon as the chill morning air hits my skin, I inhale deeply. The grass has a hint of frost on it. I shiver slightly and wrap my arms around myself. But I don't turn and go back inside. Instead, I start walking towards the lake. The edge of the forest is near, and I walk inside, not too far, but just enough where night still holds her sway. I look back. The sun has just crept over the horizon, and the lake is sparkling like diamonds. Light is reflecting everywhere, and I am in the dark.

As it should be.

I stay within the shadows, watching the sun rise. I sense his approach rather than see him. Sirius. I shouldn't be surprised that he has found me. He always does. He stands next to me, not saying a word, not looking at me.

"What do you want, Sirius?" I don't want to play games with him right now.

"Just wanted to see if you were okay. You didn't come back last night, and you weren't in the hospital wing."

"I needed some air." I'm being cold. As if I'm pushing him away. And I don't understand it. I don't want to push him away. When I do that, last night is the consequence.

"Are you okay?" He finally looks at me. I can see the concern in his face out of the corner of his eyes.

"I don't know," I honestly reply, "last night was rough."

"Moony," he hesitates, "It's not just last night. Which was awful. But the past few months you've been changing. Your studies are slipping. _Peter_'s starting to notice."

I laugh. But I don't answer. And I can't stop laughing. I'm laughing so hard I feel tears start to slip from my eyes. But they are not tears of mirth. I think I'm going into hysterics. This thought causes a sob to escape. Before I know it, I'm falling to my knees, crying. Like some small child. Only I don't get to the ground because Sirius catches me. I hold onto him and cry. I haven't cried in years. I start laughing again. Damn hysterics.

I pull myself closer to Sirius, pressing so hard against him the slashes on my torso start to burn. I wince in pain, and Sirius tries to pull away, but I don't let him.

"You can't leave me. I can't go through last night again. I don't want to repeat it. You can't leave me." I'm muttering over and over again. I start to calm down. But I don't let go. Sirius is slowly, gently rubbing my back.

"Padfoot, I'm so wrong. I've done so much wrong." His hands stop moving, but he doesn't say anything. I'm still clutching onto him. "_She_'s with someone," I continue my confession. "She's with someone and I'm fucking her and I'm a monster and I'm going to ruin her life and the lives of everyone who's around her." I finish in a soft whisper.

"You're not a monster." Sirius whispers back.

"Yes I am. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be able to sleep with a committed woman. If I wasn't I would be able to control myself around her. But I can't. I can't control myself. And that scares me, and thrills me…" I falter. I realize Sirius is trying to get away from me again. But the irrational thought that if I let go of him now, I'll lose him forever won't leave my mind.

"Remus." It almost sounds as if he's pleading with me. And then I grasp why. Or at least I feel why. A slightly hard Sirius is pressing into me. I know I should let him go now. Instead, I bury my face in his neck and ask, "How could you want a-"

"Boy?" Sirius interjects with a bitter laugh.

"A monster," I finish.

Finally, Sirius breaks away from me. He grabs me by the shoulders and looks directly into my eyes. I'm startled by the anger I see in their grey depths.

"You are _not_ a monster."

"Fine. Then you are not a freak and should not be ashamed of wanting a boy." He glares at me. I give him my best innocent look, and he releases my shoulders, turns around and starts to walk away from me.

"Padfoot, wait. I'm sorry." He stops and gives a sigh. "I don't mean to tease you, it's just unexpected, and I'm not sure of what to do."

"You shouldn't have to worry. No one was going to know."

"Not even me?"

"Especially you." His back is still to me. I step closer to him, and I see his body tense.

"Padfoot, you can't get weird on me." He finally turns round.

"Moony, I just need to be alone right now. This is why I didn't want you to find out. Cause it's going to be weird." I just stare at him. Then I roll back my sleeve. Even my arms are covered, and one particularly deep cut has re-opened.

"I can't go through this again. It was like this when I was a child, alone in my transformations. And I was alone last night. Things can't get weird, because I refuse to let them."

He comes back to me. The frost on the ground has melted back into dew, but the air still holds a chill. I shiver in the new morning light. Sirius wraps his arms around me. His body is warm. My shivers stop.

"I'm so sorry." His mouth is against my ear. My hysterics are over. No laughing or crying. "Things can never be weird for us, I promise."

A/N: It's been sooooooo long since I updated! Sorry! I hope this little chapter made up for my abysmal updating skills.

Also, for questions on Elder flower, I found it's name on the ingredients in my lotion, and it sounded better than 'hawthorne fruit" so I used it. I did a bit of research. It comes from the English countryside, and it is supposed to make skin very soft, but doesn't have a smell that most people would find pleasant. Shakespeare refers to it as a symbol of grief and it has also become a symbol of sorrow and death. Hope that clears some things up


	6. Chapter 6

I expected rejection. I expected him to stare at me in horror and disgust before running away as fast as he could. I should have remembered the reasons why Moony is such a great friend. I'm holding onto him, and he's holding onto me. He knows I have some kind of attraction to him, and yet he's still here.

He seems so fragile right now. I never thought I would see him shivering and shaking. He looks so small right now, as if we are back to our first year and he's stammering excuses for why he needs to leave all the time.

"Let's go back inside," I softly whisper. He sighs and releases me. We walk side by side back into the castle. I don't want to look at him too closely; I don't know how uncomfortable I would make him. But I can't help it. He was tearing himself to pieces last night, and I just want to be sure he's okay. I try to be discreet about it, but he knows. I see a slight smile playing at his lips, and I give one of my own. He laughs softly, and my smile deepens.

I have this wonderful content feeling within me. A weight has been lifted from my heart, and while my situation is not perfect, it's not bad either. This whole…attraction could have been the end of our friendship, but it's not. And I just wanted him one day, so maybe one day it would go away.

The sun has risen a little more, bringing out the most fascinating highlights in Moony's hair. I realize we've stopped walking, or at least I've stopped. I'm openly staring at him now, not even sneaking glances. I love looking at him; I think I have for a long time now. He stops too, and turns around, a slight look of confusion on his face. I take a shuddering breath, shake my head and keep walking. This time he doesn't walk.

"Remus?"

"Everything's going to be okay, right?" He sounds so frail right now. It breaks my heart.

"What do you mean?"

"Just now, were we getting weird?"

"No. Look, everything is going to be fine." Remus nodded but looked unconvinced. "One thing we do need to talk about," I continued, "is this 'committed' girl you were going on about." I notice his wince when I bring up his mysterious…lover.

"I really don't want to talk about this."

"You were the one who brought it up."

"What are you talking about? You're the one asking questions."

"Well, obviously you are feeling some kind of guilt because she's cheating on someone. I think something like that could cause some sort of strain on you, and ultimately on our friendship." I didn't mean to sound so harsh.

"Friendship?" He sneered. "That's not what you want from me is it?"

I'm too stunned to speak. This was a side of Remus I had never seen. His sneer falls at the hurt in my eyes. "Sorry," he mumbles.

"Don't worry about it," I mumble in return, "let's get some breakfast. We have a long day ahead of us."

We continue walking side by side. This time our pace is hurried. We are so close to each other, but the distance is immeasurable.

We sit down for breakfast. Peter is happily munching away, and James is ruffling his hair in a vain attempt to catch the eye of one Lily Evans. She turns as one of her friends points James out. And then she sneers. Poor James.

Remus doesn't look at me. He doesn't speak to me. The content feeling I had earlier had congealed within me and sunk to the bottom of my stomach. I feel sick. Classes are a nightmare. Remus actually falls asleep in History of Magic. And I take advantage of the situation to stare at him. The side of his head is lying on his open book. His arms are limp at his sides. His mouth is slightly open. Anyone else would be drooling at this point, but not Remus. His parted lips look sensual almost.

_Bad thoughts for class!_ I turn away from him, and try to concentrate on some goblin war or other. I can never tell them apart. Sometimes I think we are relearning the same war over and over again, they just keep changing the names to confuse us.

Thinking of goblins helped to distract my thoughts for a few minutes, but then Moony had to shift in his seat and draw my attention. He starts to stir, making the most wonderful noises, and I quickly look back at my notes…or rather the doodles I've made. They actually might correlate with the lesson. First I drew a goblin, and then I drew a headless goblin, and finally lots of goblins dancing around a bonfire.

"Nice nap, Moony?" James whispers with a smirk. Remus gives an elegant sneer, but the effect is ruined when he yawns. Peter seems to be having more difficulty than usual concentrating. More often than not, Peter would be the one asleep, but now he's just biting his fingernails and suppressing giggles. What the hell could he find so funny about goblins?

Finally, the excruciating pain of History of Magic is ended. Remus wanders in the general direction of the library, but Peter grabs on to my arm and in an urgent whisper says he needs to show something to me and James.

Peter is rushing ahead, holding onto my arm with one hand and James with the other. He brings us to the Gryffindor common room, stops to catch his breath, releases a giggle, and the proceeds to drag us up to our dormitory where he promptly collapses on the floor in a fit of laughter.

"Wormtail, you okay mate?" James questions, anxiety evident in his voice.

"I'm…fine (deep breath). I just…had to show you…something really funny."

"Well what is it?"

"Remushasladiespanties!" Peter spits it out in one huge gulp of air.

"Did you just say that Remus has ladies panties?" Peter nods. James continues, "What do you mean? Do they belong to some girl, or does he have a quirk we didn't know about?"

"They were in his pants pocket!" Peter again collapsed into a fit of giggles, tears beginning to fall from his eyes.

James begins to laugh as well. "I never knew he had it in him. I would expect Padfoot to have ladies panties, but never _Moony_."

I laugh along with them as if it is the funniest thing I have ever heard in my life. But inside I am despairing. I keep forgetting about _her._ I don't want to think about Remus being with someone else. Especially someone who is so trashy she gives out her underwear.

We are all laughing now. Peter and James from true mirth and me because if I don't laugh, too many questions will be asked. Peter is the first to sober up.

"Wait." We all stop laughing. "Does this mean Moony's got a girlfriend?"

James begins to laugh again. "I would assume so. I don't think any girl is simply going to give her panties away."

Peter still had a confused look on his face. "Does this mean he's actually had," he pauses, "…_sex_?" James laughs harder, and I make an attempt to join in. I think I'm laughing more at Peter's naivety than the fact that Remus is shagging someone.

"Well no shit Peter." James still cannot stop laughing. Peter begins to giggle again. Eventually they are rolling around on the floor, tears streaming down their faces. I'm sitting on the edge of my bed, a forced smile on my face. I can't laugh at this. It hurts too much to laugh. I make my way to the door to leave but before I can, Moony comes in, a large stack of library books obscuring his view. I quickly move out of his way, but I can't force myself to leave now.

Remus makes his way to his bed where he deposits his books. He finally turns to look at James and Peter, eyebrows raised.

"You guys okay?" They stop their laughter long enough to give Moony a stare, look at each other, and start laughing again. He shakes his head, picks up a book, lies on his bed and begins to read. I don't understand how he can completely ignore the world and just read. I could never concentrate with the two of them acting like this.

James starts to crawl over to Moony's bed.

"Hey Moony." He whispers

"Yes prongs?"

"Do you ever _do_ anything else but read?" He can barely get the question out. Peter starts crying even more.

"Are you guys okay?" I can actually hear concern in his voice.

They both try to suppress their laughter; but finally, Peter can hold it in no longer.

"PANTIES!"

"What?" Now Remus simply looks confused. And then he sees his pants sitting on the floor. He should know by now that he should never leave anything out he doesn't want us to find. A blush creeps into his face, and he hides behind his book, and even I smile at this. Perhaps not for the same reason Prongs and Wormtail are laughing. Moony looks completely adorable right now.

_Adorable?_ This is not good. Just because I'm lusting after Moony doesn't mean I can find him adorable. Kittens are adorable.

James is still laughing, when Peter gets a confused look on his face. James notices and his raucous laughter at Moony turns to giggles at the blank look Peter is sporting.

"Hey mate, what the matter?" he asks Peter.

Peter looks up at Moony, who is still red and probably not reading his book anyway. "Moony," Peter begins, "why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?" I tense. I had the same question for Moony, and now I wish I didn't know the answer. Moony glances up at me. He can tell I've not been enjoying the panty revelation as much as our friends have.

"It's complicated."

"Awe Moony that's not an answer," James complains.

"Yeah, are you embarrassed of her or something? Is she really ugly?" Peter is trying to be helpful.

"No," Moony sighs.

"Well then what is it?"

Moony looks like he's struggling with something, but finally he gives and even bigger sigh and puts down his book.

"I didn't want you guys to know I'm sleeping with someone who is already involved with someone else." He says it like it's the most normal think in the world to say, as if people do it all the time. He looks each of us in the eye, first Peter, then James, and finally me. He lingers on my eyes the longest. Sadness is in his eyes, but also a bit of relief. His secret is out. Goosebumps cover my body as he continues to stare into my eyes. Finally, he breaks the contact, picks his book back up, and continues to read. The room is deathly silent, but the silence does not last for long. Soon, Peter and James are asking a myriad of questions, each one blending into another in a horrifying cacophony.

"Well who is she-" "What!" "Never knew you had it in-" "WHAT!" "That's so awesome-" "WHAT!!!" "PETER. Shut up!"

The silence is back. Finally James speaks again. "I can't believe Moony is in a relationship based purely on sex!" Remus has ignored them, and continues to read.

I can't be in this room any more. ("I'm so jealous Moony! Do you think Evans would agree to something like that?") I get up to leave, and Moony looks up from his book. I can feel him following me with his eyes, but I don't look back at him. I need someone I can talk to. Thank God Andromeda is here. I don't know what I would do without her. She takes a lot of the heat away from me, and I think that's just great. I hope Nymphs here. I love that kid.

I go to there quarters. Andromeda is sitting with Nymph. They appear to be reading something. Nymph squeals as she sees me. I pick her up and spin her around, and she giggles. Then I almost drop her, complaining that she's getting too big for this. She punches me in the stomach. "Nymphadora," I yell in mock anger. She hits me again. "Don't call me that. I hate that. My name is Tonks!" I know she hates it. That's why I call her by her full first name as often as I can.

I spend the afternoon with them. Ted comes in later, looking tired after a long day of classes. Wizard children are awful when it comes to learning about muggles, always mispronouncing things. As I go to leave, Nymph comes up and tugs at my robes.

"What is it?"

"I need to tell you something." She's looking at me and I can't help but notice she looks older than she it right now.

"What?" I ask again. She grabs my hand and leads me out into the hall.

"I saw mommy kissing someone?"

"Nymph, we're related to a lot of people here. Your mom kissing someone does not mean anything."

"But it was on the lips! Gross!"

"What did he look look like?"

"I don't know. He dressed like you."

And then the strangest thought enters into my head. But it couldn't be possible, could it?

* * *

A/N: what do you guys think? Let me know! (that's my not so subtle hint to leave me a review) 


	7. Chapter 7

Why did I leave those pants out? It's not like I forgot what was in the pocket? I can be so incredibly stupid sometimes. And Sirius. Shit, things are going to get weird between us. I need to stop it. We can't keep seeing each other. It's already starting to ruin my life, and it will ruin hers too.

I make my way to her rooms, hoping I can catch her alone. I have a fast pace, but I slow as I come closer. I hear a voice. I almost turn back, but if I leave now, I may lose my resolve to end things. I stop at the corner, and listen. Her daughter is in the corridor singing and chasing light butterflies.

I send the butterflies down the corridor and she chases after them. I sneek up to the open door, listening to see if she is alone. She is. A walk in. She turns, as if she sensed I was there.

"What are you doing here? Nymph is just outside."

"She ran down the hall, she'll be back in a few seconds. But I need to talk to you." But she's already walking out.

"I don't want her roaming around the halls. Look, meet me tonight."

She starts following her daughter's voice.

"Wait, where?"

"I'll let you know." She hands me a blank piece of parchment.

And then she's gone.

I'm jittery for the rest of the day. I know it won't be until late before she contacts me, but i keep glancing at the parchment. It's just inside my book, and I look to be reading, but the words don't focus. It gets later and later, the common room empties. Now it's only the four of us. James and Peter keep looking over at me and giggling. Giggling! What has the world come to? I can feel Sirius' eyes on me, but I can't look at him. Does he know? We were spotted, but has she told anyone?

For a moment, I feel comforted in the fact that Sirius never holds things in. He says the first thing to come to his mind, and if he knew, he would confront me about it. Then I realize he would have kept his...crush silent from me. We haven't talked about it. About how he feels, how I feel, what we are going to do. He's just ignoring it. It's possible, if he did know, that he would try to ignore it as well.

Delicate writing appears before me. The parchment increases in heat, so if I wasn't looking at it, I would be alerted.

_Fifth floor. East Corridoor. Third door on the right._

It's a classroom. How school romance of her. Except, I can't have a romance with her anymore. I slowly close my book as the words fade. I stare into the fire for a few moments, building my resolve, before getting to my feet. I go up to the dormitory, and place the book on my bed, before dressing completely in my uniform sans the cloak. I am trying to reinforce that I am a student, and what we have done is wrong. I take a few deep breaths, and as I am leaving, James and Peter are coming up. Peter giggles some more, and James gives me a gigantic wink. I flash a tight smile that turns to a wince once my back is to them. Sirius is still in the common room.

He's sitting, facing the fire. I walk quickly, hoping to avoid confrontation. But as i near the portrait hole, he asks, "Going out?"

I stop and reply, "Yes." And then for some reason I add, "for the last time."

He turns and looks at me, confusion clear in his face. And also a glimmer of hope.

"It has to stop." He nods in response, and I leave. I'm uncomfortable with the hope barely visible in his eyes. Is it hope that I'll finally be the good person everyone thinks I am, or is it hope he now has a chance with me? I'm ashamed at that last thought, but that's the one reverberating through my head.

Because of my keen sense of hearing, it's ridiculously easy to move around the castle. In only a short amount of time on the fifth floor making my way towards the east corridoor. First door on the right, second. I stop at the third. I don't knock.

She's standing, looking out the window. The moon is a faint sliver. She doesn't turn at the sound of my steps, so I go to her. I stand behind her, and she leans into me. For a moment, all I want to do is hold her. She fits against me so perfectly. But then I back away. I came here for a reason, and I need to see it through. She turns around, but I can't see the look on her face. The only light is coming from the moon, and with it shining behind her, she is thrown into shadow.

She lets out a self-depreciating laugh. "If you don't want to be with me, why did you come?"

"We need to talk." As if she knows what i'm going to say, she grabs my hand. "We can't keep doing this anymore."

"Why not?"

"You're daughter saw us kissing. My friends found out-"

"What!!?" Cuts me off.

"Not about you. Just that I'm with someone."

"Why is that a problem?"

"They know it's someone who's involved." We stand in silence. She still hasn't let go of my hand.

"Remus, if you didn't want to be with me, why did you come tonight?"

"I couldn't just not come. I had to tell you in person."

"You could have wrote back." I don't understand why she's pushing this issue.

"That would be an awful thing to do to you."

"So you didn't want to hurt me?"

"Not any more than I have to."

"So you care about me?"

"Yes." I am beginning to understand.

She turns us around so I can see her face. Her eyes are glimmering with unshed tears. "So why do you want to hurt me?"

"I don't want to. I have to!"

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, Remus." She's pulling me close to her, and pulling us away from the window. We're walking, and I'm desperately trying to remember the speech I had memorized in the agonizing hours of waiting, when she abruptly turns me around again. I collide with a sharp edge. The professor's desk. Now, we are really getting into the school romance. She leans up and kisses me, and I don't kiss back. And then her hands reach for my belt buckle, and I jerk my head back.

"What are you doing?"

She only smiles in response, and slips my belt off. My mind is screaming to stop her hands, stop her. I make some feeble attepts to push her hands away. I could have easily gotten her off me, she was not using strength to overpower me after all. But I don't want to hurt her.

And then she's kneeling in front of me, and I'm gripping the edge of the desk and biting my lip to keep from yelling out. And she's doing things I had no idea a mouth was capable of. And then she's kissing me and I'm kissing her. And I've put her on the desk and she's wrapped her legs around me. And I barely realize she not wearing anything under her robes.

I can't resist her.

And I certainly can't tell her I don't want to see her anymore. I think she's proven that to be a lie. And it would be cruel to say I'm never going to see her again. I couldn't do that to a person, and she doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

It's not until I'm alone in the classroom, waiting a bit after she left to leave myself, that I realize how perfectly she had everything planned. It was as if she knew my intentions tonight, but also knew I still wanted her. I then feel guilty for thinking such thoughts about her. And then I feel guilty that she's married and has a family and I could ruin it.

That is usually all the guilt I can muster in one night, but tonight a new one pops up. I feel guilty for lying to Sirius. I told him I was ending things tonight, and I didn't. I'm not even sure if I ever really was. I was lying to myself. I didn't want to end things with her. And now my lies and deceit have spead to Sirius.

I'm back at the entrance of the common room, and Sirius is still sitting alone in front of the fire. I have to walk past him to get upstairs. But I'm not sure if I can face him. I decide to simply just walk on by. He seems to be asleep with his eyes open, so maybe he won't notice me. I'm almost to the stairs when he calls out, "How was the break up sex?" I flush, and almost ignore him and make my way upstairs, but my guilt won't let me.

I make my way over to the fire, and sit down in another chair. It really can't be called a fire anymore. It's really just a pile of glowing embers. But both of us can see.

We sit for minutes, the silence becoming unbearable.

"I'm sorry," I finally whisper. He finally looks at me.

"For what?" Again I'm faced with the fear he knows who. Does he? And now, is he trying to figure out if I know he knows?

"Everything." It's a simple reply, but it covers so much.

"Wow," he pauses, "I thought you were going to be sorry for sleeping with my married cousin." I feel the blood drain from my face. I guess he does know.

"How could you?" I can't respond, I can't even move. I can only turn my head away in shame. All I want to do is run from here. I need to get away from him. But my body is really awful at doing what my mind wants. And I just sit there, feeling his disdain bore through me.

"Remus," I don't acknowledge he's called my name. "Moony," the nickname feels like a slap in the face. Why did I go too far with her? Why do I always go too far with her?

"Moony, look at me." But I can't. I can't face him. He knows. He knows I just had sex with his cousin. Have had sex with his cousin. His cousin. The only family member he can stand, his cheating on her husband, a wonderfully nice man by the way, with the guy he has a crush on. I can't take this anymore, and finally my body allows me to get up. I stand quickly and start to walk past him. He stands and grabs me, and forces me to look at him. In his face I can see hurt and anger and...disappointment. That hurts worse than his anger. The whole time we have known each other, I've been the responsible one. And now I've let him down. And for some reason, I get angry.

"Stop looking at me like that." I whisper.

"Like what?" He seems generally confused.

"Like I've just killed your favorite puppy." I'm getting angrier. I think it's a defense mechanism to stop the guilt from killing me. "I'm not the only one to blame here." My voice is a harsh whisper. I don't want to wake anybody. "I'm sorry I've let you down. I guess it's simply my true nature coming out at last." I can feel my face twisting into an ugly sneer. The hurt in his eyes is consuming the disappointment, and that's even worse to see, so I do the only thing I can think of.

I punch him in the face.

Immediately, I see anger flaring up inside him, and he's hitting me back. Our fighting is not particularly glamourous or skillfull. It's very primative and animalistic, filled with growls and snarls. He throws me to the ground and pins me down.

"Moony, stop it!" I don't understand why he not killing me right now. The anger has left him. He only looks concerned. I don't deserve his concern. I let myself relax, and he gets off me. I sit up and pull my knees to my chest.

"Moony, what just happened?" I have no idea what he's talking about. The confusion must have shown in my face. "Remus, it's like for a moment you weren't here."

Fear consumes me. Was it the wolf, the monster inside me? He's always there, just beneath the surface.

"Padfoot," he scoots closer to me. "I'm scared."

"Why?"

"Something like this happened a few times when I was younger. I'm missing chunks of my memory, really only a few minutes here and there. But one time, I missed a week. A week Sirius. My father told me I was crazy. It was like I was the wolf, but I hadn't transformed. After that time, it didn't happen again. But what if it's happening now?"

He was kneeling next to me, and after a moment, put his arms around me. He's warm and smells familiar.

"I'm sorry." I whispered again. His only response is to hold me tighter.

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Like it? Hate it? Let me know. 


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: Sorry!!!!! It's been too long!!!!!!! Well, let's get back into it, shall we? (Sirius' POV this chapter).

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I should be angry with him, but it's so hard to be when he's like this. I'm holding him in my arms, trying to calm him down. He's shaking slightly.

"Come on," I whisper as I help him to stand. Once he's one his feet, he lets go of me but didn't back away. He closed his eyes tightly and let out a sigh before making his way upstairs. I followed close behind him. He stopped, turned around and looked at me with a slight smirk on his face.

"I don't think I'm going to fall down the stairs." I flushed slightly. But I don't back off. Once we get into the room, he walks into the bathroom. I sit on my bed and try to sort my thoughts out. I feel so unsure of myself. I should be angry with Remus. I should feel betrayed. I should be ashamed of his behavior. But all I can think about is the fear in his eyes when he told me about the gaps in his memory.

Remus walks out of the bathroom. He had changed into his pajamas. I feel a flash of anger within me.

"Can't change in the same room with me? I'm not going to jump you, you know. I do have some self control." I don't want to let my hurt slip through my words, but it does.

Remus blushes slightly and looks down. "It's not like that."

"What do you mean?"

"I just seemed," he paused, "cruel."

I raise a questioning eyebrow.

"Well, it would be like flaunting myself in front of you. That just seemed wrong."

I shook my head slightly.

"You don't believe me." It wasn't a question. "Fine." I could hear the irritation in his voice but didn't have time to ponder it as Remus began to strip off his t-shirt. I really hoped Peter and James would stay asleep. I swallowed thickly. Perhaps my self control wasn't as secure as I thought. He tossed his shirt to the floor. I willed myself to keep my gaze on his face, but I did I quick flicker down.

"Should I be worried?" he asked with a smirk.

"I don't know." I walked toward him. He didn't back off. I was standing directly in front of him now, unsure of what I was going to do, and not positive I wanted to do it in our dormitory. It was as if my mind was shutting down, and I had no control over my actions. His breathing became shallow as I reached up and brushed a lock of hair out of his eyes. My hand lingered by the side of his face before curling in his hair. I pulled his face towards mine. Remus stumbled forward and placed his hand on my chest to steady himself.

Our lips were inches apart. Remus twisted his fingers in my shirt. I wanted to kiss him. But I wanted him to kiss me even more. I wanted him to make that first move.

He never would make that first move.

I lowered my hand to where his neck met shoulder and leaned my forehead against his. He closed his eyes and let his breath out.

"See. Nothing to worry about."

He laughed softly before releasing my shirt and turning away. I couldn't resist taking one more look over his body. I lingered a little longer than I should on his bare skin, taking full advantage of the second time I've seen him without a shirt.

I look at his bite scar, and I notice something I had never seen before. He showed us the Greyback scar once before, but now a red mark was just beneath it.

"Moony?" He turned around. "What's that mark?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Under the Greyback scar…it almost looks like a tattoo or something."

"I have no idea." He walked into the bathroom. I followed him in. He turned his back to the mirror and looked over his shoulder, his brow creased in concentration.

"Well," he began, "it's definitely not a scar. And it's too faint to be a tattoo."

"Don't you think you would remember if you got a tattoo?"

"Not necessarily." The mood got considerably darker as he brought up his memory lapses. "I'll have to start researching tomorrow."

And with that, he left the bathroom and got right into his bed. I got into my own and tried to sort everything out. I still have no idea how I feel right now. I try to think of other guys I know. Do I find any of them attractive? I can't think of any. What is it about Remus? I slowly drift off into sleep, my thoughts full of him.

I wake a few hours later, at first unsure of why I awoke. The room has a faint blue tinge to it; the sun will rise in less than an hour.

And then I hear it. A faint whimper of fear coming from Moony's bed. I push my blankets off and quietly make my way over to him. James and Peter are still fast asleep. Peter's snoring slightly. I pull the curtains away from Moony's bed. He is sweating. His eyes are moving rapidly under their lids. He lets out a moan of pain. I place my hand on his shoulder, to see if I can calm him down. His eyes snap open, but they don't see me. He's looking right through me. I can now see the fear he felt in his dream in his eyes.

He blinks a few times and comes back to reality. He takes a few shuddering breaths before getting out of bed and walking down to the common room. I follow him. I don't really know if he wants me to come, but I do anyway.

When I get down, he's sitting in front of the now dead fireplace. He shivers slightly as he did not put his shirt back on. I sit down next to him.

"Nightmare?" It's a stupid question to ask, but I don't really know what to say.

He nods.

"…Wanna talk about it?"

He shrugs his shoulders.

"Is that a yes or a no?"

He sighs. "It means I can't really remember what it was about. I know it has to do with the attack, and I can remember being so afraid. But then I wake up, and I don't know what happened." Impulsively, I reach out and take his hand. He looks down at our intertwined fingers and asks, "Why are you being so nice?"

Now it's my turn to shrug. "Why not?"

"Oh I don't know. Perhaps because I could quite possibly ruin the life of the only family member you care about?"

"She took part in it too. She understands the consequences."

"It's not just that. There's a pink elephant in the room, and I think we need to stop ignoring it."

"Wait, when did we get on the subject of elephants? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Never mind."

"No. What did you mean?"

"It's just a saying. It means that something drastic has happened and no one will talk about it, choosing instead to ignore what's going on."

"So what are we ignoring?" I know I'm being stupid, but I can't think of what else to say, and I just want him to keep talking.

He gives me a look of sheer annoyance before whispering angrily, "Oh I don't know. Perhaps the fact that you're for some reason attracted to me. Or that I have memory loss. Or I'm having an affair. Or that I keep having the same nightmare, except I can't remember it. Or-"

"What do you mean 'for some reason'?"

"What?"

"You said that I'm attracted to you for some reason. Do you really think it's completely incomprehensible for someone to be attracted to you?"

"No."

"Then what did you mean?"

"Its 'incomprehensible' for someone like you to be attracted to me."

"As in I'm a boy?"

"I thought we went over this already? Look, I just meant…someone who can have anyone."

I paused, "I don't want anyone." I expected him to let go of my hand now. I think I've sufficiently made him uncomfortable. Instead he slouched down further into the couch and closed his eyes.

"Padfoot?"

"Yeah?"

"We need to talk with Andromeda."

"We?"

"I can't see her alone."

"Why do you need to talk to her?"

"I need to know how long this mark has been on my back. She's going to be the only one who might know. Determining how long it's been there will be the first step in figuring out what it is. If it's a sign of some kind of sickness I need to know how advanced it is. It could also be some kind of spell, or even a curse."

As he was speaking, he began to rub his thumb in little circles over mine. It was the faintest touch, but it set my skin on fire. The heat his thumb generated spread throughout my body. I shifted, slightly uncomfortable, before releasing his hand. He opened his eyes and looked up at me and then down at his hand.

"Sorry," he whispered.

"We'll go see her tomorrow." I don't even want to think how awkward that's going to be.

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A/N: What do you think? (No really, what do you think? Let me know by hitting that little review button!) 


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Sorry this has taken so long!! Hopefully this chapter will make up for my dismal updating skills. (Remus POV)

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I can't keep from fidgeting. I've fixed my hair enough times where it will never look good. I'm loosening my tie, tightening my tie. Removing my tie completely. It's like I'm on an interview, but really I'm just meeting her.

I put the tie back on and take several deep breaths, exhaling slowly. I'm going to have the confrontation of a lifetime in a few minutes. It's the kind of confrontation most people would go through hell and back to avoid, but I want it to happen. No, I need it to happen. I need to know what's happening to me.

I take another look at myself in the mirror, wondering why I'm taking so much interest in my appearance. Sirius walks in, takes on look at what I'm doing, and smirks. I playfully punch him on the shoulder, anything to keep my hands moving so he won't notice how badly they are shaking.

"Ready to go?" His voice is soft, comforting. He should be sounding accusatory, but he's already forgiven me. I find it astounding. I'm not sure I would have forgiven him had the situation been reversed. He hasn't said it in so many words, but the mere fact that he's coming with me is proof enough.

I nod and take another deep breath. It's time. The whole castle is quiet. It's the Tuesday afternoon before classes end for Christmas break and the professors decided it would be a good time to pile on the homework. We pass James and Peter in the common room. Peter looks as if he's going to cry, furiously scribbling at his parchment. James is once again attempting to catch the attention of Lily.

We give them each a smile, but don't stop for questions. I don't think I could come up with a plausible excuse to where we are going. The corridors are as silent as the common room. Our footsteps echoing as we walk. It feels like we are taking that final walk before death row.

I knock sharply on her door. The smile on her face fades as she sees Sirius.

"We need to talk." She nods and lets us in. I sit on the sofa we had made love on a few days prior. Sirius sits next to me. It makes me uncomfortable to be sitting next to him knowing the activities that went on. She pulls up a chair.

"Well?"

I swallow thickly at the ice in her tone. I realize she was never made aware of the fact that Sirius knew about us. I clear my throat, uncomfortable at the tension in the air. I tell her about the mark under my scar and if she had noticed when it came about.

"I can't seem to remember any kind of scar. I think I need to see it again."

She's toying with me.

"Sure no problem." I loosen my tie before slipping it over my head. The sweater is next. I lay both carefully down on the arm rest of the sofa. I take another little breath before beginning to unbutton my shirt. I can feel both their eyes on me, and the disdain each has for the other. My heart sinks. I am tearing them apart. She is one of the few people in Sirius' family who can stand him, and Sirius is the only one who didn't hate her for marrying a muggle.

The last button is undone. I stand up and turn my back to her before slipping the shirt of my shoulders. Just far enough for her to see the scar and the mark below it. She stands up, coming right behind me. She lightly traces the mark. Her finger is warm. I can't look Sirius in the eye. She sighs lightly and backs away. I quickly pull my shirt back on and hastily try to button it.

"It's always been there."

"What?" She must have made some mistake. This can't have always been there.

"Do you remember when I asked you if I could see your scar?" I flush at the memory of our first kiss and nod. "Well, I saw that mark too."

We sit in silence for a few moments, but face still slightly flushed before Sirius breaks the silence. "Well, we had better get going."

"Remus, can I speak to you," she glances at Sirius, "Alone?"

I can't be with her alone. That's the whole reason Sirius needed to come. If I'm alone with her, I can't leave her. I shake my head. "I don't think that'd be such a good idea."

I turn my back on her once again, this time to leave her room once and for all.

We walk in silence, side by side.

"Well?" he asks me.

"Well what?"

"Well, what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know. What I do know is this has been on me for nearly 2 years and I-"

"Two years? You've been fucking my cousin for two years?"

"No! I just…that's when she saw the scar for the first time. It was Christmas break two years ago."

"So when exactly did you start fucking?" I flinch at the bitterness in his tone.

"…that following summer."

"Oh, so you've only been fucking for a year and half. That makes it so much better!"

I take a sharp turn and head towards the library.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to find out what this means. I'm going to do research." And with that, I leave him standing in the middle of the corridor.

I don't get much research done. I'm jittery, and my skin is crawling. I can't concentrate. I need to do something I haven't done in years. Something I haven't needed to do since I met the marauders. I need a cigarette.

I spend the next few days before break in the library. I'll be able to concentrate better once everyone is gone. I need to stay at school over the Christmas holidays. The full moon is the day after Christmas, and it's just easier to transform here. It will be difficult without the marauders, but right now, I feel so distant from them. Perhaps this is for the best.

McGonagall has sent around the list for students to sign if they are staying. To my horror, Sirius is on the list.

"James, I love your family, but I cannot stand your relatives. They are almost as bad as my parents."

"Padfoot! You can't stay here for Christmas! You'll be all alone."

"Prongs, Remus will be here." Sirius lowered his voice," and he has a transformation."

I feel a bit guilty for eavesdropping, but sometimes it is the only way to learn things. I need another cigarette.

The holidays have arrived. I have never stayed over break before, and I'm glad it's my last year at Hogwarts so I never will have to again. It's quiet, and I like that, but the silence is eerie. I've been spending every available moment in the library looking up curses, charms, and hexes that could possibly leave a mark.

Nights in the dormitory are awkward. It's just me and Sirius in the room. We don't talk much. I usually am reading until he is asleep and awake and dressed in the morning before he even begins to stir. I don't know how much more if this I can take.

Christmas Eve, two days before the full moon. I wonder how Moony is going to take to Padfoot after all this mess. My body feels tense, tenser than any previous full moon. It's not the nervous wait for the change that has me on edge. It's something in the back of my mind that I simply cannot grasp. My hands are shaking. My skin is crawling. I go over to the window and fling it open, gasping as the cold air rushes in. I pull a cigarette out, lighting it with magic, wandlessly, and lean out the window.

I inhale deeply and already begin to feel calmer. The wind picks up, rushing past my ears.

"You smoke now?" I jump at the sound of his voice. I didn't hear him come up behind me. I toss the cigarette out the window before turning around.

"Again," I reply.

"Again?"

"I'm smoking again."

"Why?"

"Dunno," I reply, shrugging my shoulders. "I guess, it's to calm my restlessness. I have this weird skin crawling, jittery feeling. Smoking helps."

"Why didn't you just try chocolate? You swear by it as a cure-all."

I laugh softly and pick up a huge chunk of chocolate I had already gotten from the kitchens. He smirks as I bite off a huge piece and then offer it to him. I lie down on the nearest bed, stare at the ceiling, and try to will my fingers to stop shaking.

I realize I'm in Sirius' bed as he lies down on the other side. The chocolate is between us. We eat in silence. It isn't until I reach down for another piece and find that nothing is left that I actually look at Sirius. He's holding the last bit, a half smile on his face.

"You don't want that last bit do you?" I ask.

"Oh, I don't know. This is really good stuff. And you practically ate all the rest."

"You're the one with chocolate all over face."

I come to the realization we are flirting. Poorly, it's true, but flirting nevertheless. I decide to play along with it. We are relaxed and talking with each other, something we haven't done in a long while. I make a playful grab for the chocolate in his hand, but naturally, he keeps it out of my reach. Finally, I get my hand on his wrist and try to pry his fingers open.

He breaks free from my grasp and pops the chocolate in his mouth. I put on a pout, and then the silliest idea comes into my head. The skin-crawling is back, and I know I can make it go away if I just do one simple thing.

"You know," I begin as Sirius is finishing; "You've still got chocolate on your face."

He grins cheekily, and before he can wipe it off himself, I lean forward and lick it off. The skin-crawling feeling didn't go away, it just got worse.

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A/N: Oh what could possibly happen next? Let me know what you think! 


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Back into the mind of Sirius. Enjoy.

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I slowly bring my hand up to my face and touch the spot where he licked me. The air is thick with tension. His eyes are wide with shock.

"Sirius, I…" I don't let him finish. I press on brief kiss on his lips. I pull back slightly, but I don't go far. I'm still lingering close to him. It's his move. I hear him whisper, "Shit," before I am pulled into a searing kiss. He pushes me down on the bed. Everything is so much more than I imagined. The feel of him, all of him, pressed against me. His kisses. Hot and passionate and violent.

His lips leave mine only to travel along my jaw line to my neck. He slips his hands under my shirt. He pulls it off and carelessly throws it off the bed. His kisses are slower, each one becoming more and more drawn out as he travels down my torso.

I'm breathing heavily, but I can't seem to get enough breath in my body. His kisses are getting lower, and while my body definitely wants this, I don't know if either of us is ready. I let out a groan as I pull him back up and crash my lips against his. His hands tangle in my hair as I bit his lower lip.

Suddenly he jerks up and rolls off me. He turns his back to me and places his feet on the floor. I'm panting and aching and confused. I can see the tension in his back. I'm not really sure what just happened.

"How could I be so stupid?" I know Remus is not really asking me anything, so I don't respond. Instead I slowly sit up and retrieve my shirt. As I'm putting it back on, he turns to look at me.

"I'm sorry Sirius. You shouldn't have to go through this. It's all my fault for not thinking everything through."

He stands and goes to the pile of books on the floor near his bed, searching through them. He tosses a few aside. I can see him getting irritated that he can't find what he's looking for.

"Remus, what's going on?" I demand. I'm angry at him.

"You don't get it do you, Sirius? The reason you're feeling the way you do!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

He doesn't answer me. Instead he flings a few books to the side before frantically searching through another. I hear him mumbling to himself, "How could I not see this?"

I step towards him. "Remus," I plead, "What's going on?"

He looks at me, and I see the glimmer of unshed tears in his eyes. I take another step closer and he backs up.

"Remus, don't"

"Did you know I haven't had to, to…you know," he glances down, "since I was fourteen? I could always find someone to do it for me?"

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I always found it so easy to find someone to be with me."

"Remus, just tell me what's going on!"

He flips through a few more pages before finally stopping. He still doesn't talk. Instead he hands the book over to me. I stare at the tiny print, but the language is archaic and vague. I make out something about bonding and links and markings, but none of it makes any sense.

Finally, I toss the book to the floor.

"Remus, this has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm feeling for you. What I have been feeling for you."

He shakes his head as I finish.

"You don't get it do you?"

"Then why don't you just fucking explain it already?"

"You think you want me because of a spell. That's all. A fucking spell. You, her, the only reason you want anything to do with me is because of this fucking mark on my back."

"That's…that's not true."

He lets out a derisive laugh, takes the book from my hands and tosses it to the floor.

"Sirius, have you ever felt like this about another guy? Ever?"

I shake my head.

"I didn't think so." We stand in an awkward silence.

"Remus?"

"What?" I flinch at the repressed anger in his voice.

"We'll figure this out."

He looks me right in the eye, and his expression softens to one of gratitude.

"You…you're not angry?"

"Not at you. I'm angry at whoever did this to you."

He nods and picks the book back up.

"I'm going to the library. Maybe I can figure this out."

"I'll go with."

"Sirius, you hate the library."

"I do. But we need answers. Someone decided they can own you, and I can't stand that. And that's me talking."

"Thanks."

We walk to the library in silence. It's not awkward or uncomfortable, but there is definitely a strain. I keep telling myself over and over again that the pounding in my chest is just a spell, but it feels real. I simply can't imagine not feeling this way. And maybe that's the spell talking.

I really do hate the library.

After three hours, I'm covered in dust and sneezing uncontrollably. I haven't found anything. It doesn't help that I can't keep from looking at Remus every five minutes. He chews on his bottom lip when he's really concentrating.

I tear my eyes away and sigh before picking up another book. Remus found them all, and I'm to help go through them. I barely even know what I'm looking for, but I can't leave him, not now.

I begin to scan. This one is even more dry than the last.

_Oh look, pictures._

Pictures are always a good thing. I take a closer look, and can't believe my eyes. I'm staring at a drawn replica of the exact mark on Remus's back. I open my mouth to call Remus over. The air gets stuck in my throat as I read the paragraph below the drawing.

"Fuck."

Remus hears my mumbled expletive. I hear his chair scraping back against the floor. I don't want him to see this, but he needs to.

He leans over my shoulder. I feel his warmth seep into my own body. I fight the urge to lean into him. I close my eyes as he reads where my finger is pointing.

He starts breathing heavy, scared hesitant intakes of air.

"No. No that's…that couldn't be it."

"Remus." He's turned from me. "Moony."

"Sirius. This is just too sick. Who the fuck would do something like that?"

I don't know Remus. I don't know."

As I gather him in my arms I realize I do know. Only a sick bastard would place a binding spell on a child. The mark on his back, the shape and color of it, tells all. When Remus was only a boy, someone wanted to own him, body and soul.

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A/N: I update faster when inspired. Inspiration comes from reviews!!!! No really, tell me what you think! 


	11. Chapter 11

**WARNING: This chapter pushes the boundaries of T. I'm keeping the rating, but this chapter is a bit intense.**

**And back to Remus' POV**

I can't breathe. I feel sick and dirty. None of this is real. What I'm seeing, it's not real. No one would actually do this. They couldn't.

"Moony, are you okay."

I nod as I try to inhale. I pick the book up and check it out. We silently walk back to our dormitory. Sirius is hovering, as if I'm about to faint. To be quite honest, it wouldn't surprise me if I did faint.

"You know Sirius, this does explain a lot."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, for instance, the mark. It's simply a physical representation of the spell. It was supposed to be completed before now, and it wasn't, so the spell manifests itself into a sort of tattoo."

"Again, what do you mean?"

"You do realize what this spell is right?" He nods. "So you realize that when I was a little boy, someone wanted to possess me…physically." I nearly stumble as I utter it aloud. Some freak wanted to have sex with a little boy. I was a child when this spell was put on me. Who would do that?

"Moony," he paused, "a lot of sick freaks are in this world. The good news is they didn't get to you. And I won't let them." I feel better with him around. I do, but I still can't stop shaking.

"So Moony, what else does this explain?"

"Well, it explains the blackouts, the weird skin crawling feelings I've been having. It explains why you…and others, were attracted to me. This is the reason. It's not because any of you really wanted me. It's just because of some sick, horny bastard." I don't know why, but this realization actually pains me. It's difficult to know people don't actually want you.

"Remus, I don't think that's true." I give a derisive sigh. "You may not believe me, but that's how I feel. I know this is real."

I shake my head, but I don't want to argue. It's nice that he believes it now. Hopefully he won't completely reject me when the feelings are removed.

I'm tired. It's more than just physically tired. My mind aches. Not my head, although I do have a head ache, but I'm mentally exhausted. I fall onto my bed, and drop the book on the floor. Within minutes, I'm in a deep sleep.

I have no recollection of ever sleepwalking, so it's strange I started now. I'm outside, nearing the borders of the Hogwarts grounds. The sun is not quite ready to rise. Mist is swirling all around my, and I shiver in my bare feet and thin pajamas. I don't remember changing out of my clothes. It's happened again. The blanks spots in my memory. And this time Sirius is not here to help me.

The Forbidden Forest is to my right, it's deathly still. Usually, the forest is teeming with life, but I can't hear anything. Nothing is moving. The air itself is still. I slowly start to back away from my spot, back into the safety of the castle.

"Hello my pet. I've been waiting." I stop in my tracks. The voice is coming from right behind me. It's deep and raspy, and sends chills down my spine. I barely have time to register the spell before it hits me. I fade into nothingness.

When I come back into consciousness, I can't open my eyes. I start to panic. Why won't my eyes open? What if I went blind? I also realize I can't move my arms or legs. What if I'm paralyzed? These moments are confusing and disorienting, and fortunately, they don't last long. I eventually come to understand that I have a blindfold on, and my hands are tied behind my back. I'm sitting in a chair, and the back of it digs into my arms. My legs are tied to the chair as well. I can still hear though. And I can still smell.

The room is so dank, I can feel the moisture on my skin. I know I'm indoors because of the lack of breeze and the smell of cut wood. Moldy wood. The chair is wooden, and I can feel splinters already. I hear footsteps coming, the soft footfalls of bare feet on hard wood. I can tell the floor is dusty. The sounds are almost muffled, but I can hear them. They are close now. They stop in from of where I assume the door is. My assumptions are confirmed as the door creaks open.

I immediately know I am in the presence of another werewolf. It's not by his smell, for this one is definitely a male, but something else entirely. It was something deep within me that recognized someone like me.

He walks towards me until he is standing right in front of me. My hackles rise and my arms break out in goose bumps. No, this is not someone like me. This something different.

Suddenly, fingertips are caressing my cheek. I shudder at the touch, but try not to move too much. The fingertips are replaced by nails. They trace down my cheekbones to the corner of my mouth. The fingertips are back to trace my lips.

"You're more beautiful than I imagined." His whisper is awful. Even quiet, his voice is harsh and terrifying. Slowly, he reaches behind my head and removes by blindfold. My eyes adjust quickly to the dim light.

I am face to face with my nightmares.

I know who this is. It's the werewolf who made me what I am. I found out about him much sooner than I should have. I was an inquisitive boy with exception hearing. My parents tried to not discuss him, but every once in a while, his name would come up. Fenrir Greyback.

"Your eyes are stunning. I just had to remove that."

I swallow thickly, my stomach churning. The full moon is hours away still, but his eyes are already an intense yellow filled with rage, and unbridled lust. He starts running his fingers through my hair, and as much as I promised myself I would stay still, I jerk myself as far as I can out of his reach. The rage in his eyes almost overcomes the lust and he back hands me across the face. My lip splits open. He grabs my by the chin and forces me to look up at him. The lust is back full force as he leans forward and slowly, forcefully, licks the blood from by lips.

He's breathing heavily now, panting almost.

"You taste so good."

He licks me again, up the entire left side of my face. He presses himself against my knee, and I can feel how excited he is. I almost gag. He trails one hand down my chest until it is between my legs. They are already spread slightly because of the bindings, and there is nothing I can do to prevent him from touching me. He gently rests his hand against me, and quickly pulls it away.

"Nothing? You're not even a little excited?" I make no response. Instead of being angry like I expected him to be, he simply smiles. "Don't worry, we can fix that."

He walks out of the room, but leaves the blindfold off. For the first time, I can get a good look at my surroundings. I'm in an old house, a bedroom. There is the chair I am sitting in, which is in the middle of the room, a dresser with no drawers, a side table, and a bed. I feel sick looking at it. I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping this won't be real.

I open them quickly as the footsteps approach again, this time from another direction. I tense up, and for the first time since waking, I struggle to get out of the ropes. He walks in, sees me struggling, and smiles while his eyes glow in anger. My heart leaps into my throat and my stomach drops.

He holds up a small vial. The contents are liquid and so clear and colorless they could be water. But I know it's not water. He walks over to the table next to the bed, and places the vial on it. He's slow and deliberate, taking his time, torturing me without even having to touch me.

I don't expect him to untie me, but he does. He unties my left foot first, and I try to kick him away from me, but he's too strong. He bites my knee. Blood seeps through. He unties my other foot. I don't kick this time. He bites my other knee. More blood.

He walks behind me to untie my arms. I stiffen as he stands behind me. He brushes my hair from my neck, and places a soft just above my t-shirt collar. His lips are dry and cracked. My arms are untied, and a make one last effort to g4et out of here. I jump up from the chair and make my way towards the door. He grabs onto one of my arms, but with a twist of my arm, I'm able to get out of his grip.

I fling the door open and make my way down the hall. It's pitch black out here. The room had a tiny window to let daylight in, but no such windows exist out here. I try to feel my way down the corridor, hoping to find a way out.

"Remus," he calls me in a sing song voice. "You can't hide from me." I can smell him coming, and he can most certainly smell where I am. I move faster, all the while keeping one hand against the wall.

I bump into a dead end.

He is right behind me. He grabs me, spins me around, and slams me against the wall. I struggle to get away. He hits me. I have never been hit that hard. He grabs my hair and proceeds to drag me back down the hall. All the while I'm struggling to get a way. Bits of hair are falling out, but he still has a death grip on me. He kicks the door to the bedroom open and tosses me onto the bed. I try to crawl away from him, but he's too fast. He grabs my leg and pulls me towards him. He flips me over onto my back. One hand closes over my throat. As oxygen becomes scarce, I finally stop struggling.

He reaches over and grabs the vial. "You're going to drink this."

I vehemently shake my head.

"You're going to drink this because I want you excited for me." He puts his knee between my legs. "Nothing still? This will change that."

I seal my lips as tight as they will go.

"Now, you're going to drink this, because I want to put your hard cock in my mouth. Then I'm going to put my hard cock in your mouth." He leans in close to me, and puts his mouth over my ear. His breath is hot and wet. "Then I will be so gentle when I'm inside you. Because that's all I have ever wanted, to feel you wrapped around me."

I feel hot tears spilling down my face. He licks them away.

His voice becomes an angry low, full of malice and hatred, "But, if you don't drink this. I'll make you. Then I'll put your hard cock in my mouth, and then I'll put my hard cock up your ass. Then it'll go in your mouth." He squeezed my throat to make sure I understood.

I'm sobbing now.

He puts the vial back on the table and starts to stroke my hair. "Remus, I have always wanted you. I was so angry when I couldn't have you. So I did what I had to. You belong to me. I made you what you are. You are mine. I marked you as mine. I wanted you several years earlier. You were such a beautiful child. I was worried, but I'm glad you're still so beautiful. I need you. I need to see you. All of you."

He rips my shirt off me and traces my scars.

"You're hurting yourself. We can't let that happen. I'll let you free tonight, so you don't hurt yourself."

He reaches for the vial.

"You have a choice to make, Remus."

I reach for the vial.


	12. Chapter 12

Oh. My. God. I cannot believe I left this for three months. I am so freaking sorry it's not funny. I hope this makes up for everything. Okay, Remus is in trouble, and we are back to Sirius…

Full moon tonight. Remus has been tense, and it's only going to get worse. I'm surprised that I haven't heard him move yet. Its midmorning and he's usually restless near the full moon. I rub the sleep from my eyes and glance over to his bed, a soft smile on my lips. I'm glad he's still asleep, it means I'll be able to look at him without him getting all self-conscious or uncomfortable. My smile fades when I see he's not in bed.

I quickly shake of my disappointment. He's probably getting an early start in the library, trying to find a counter curse or something. Trust Moony to still do work even in the wake of a full moon transformation. I get dressed, taking my time. I don't know why I try with my appearance. I think it's some sad hope that maybe Remus will finally notice. When did I turn into a woman?

In the bathroom I even take extra time to floss. I examine my gums. I clean under my fingernails. I have a simply grooming routine, but I take extra steps, do more to make myself look good.

I spend five minutes in the common room debating if I want breakfast. Remus is probably waiting for me in the Library and I did just brush my teeth, so I probably should just head over there. But I really would like some breakfast. I could always clean my teeth again after breakfast. Remus probably skipped, again, so I should go and eat and then bring him something.

As I sit quietly in the great hall, I think about that stupid spell Remus thinks I'm under. I don't believe my feelings are coming from a spell. They can't be. Sure, they came from nowhere, but that doesn't make them a fabrication. That's how all my interests go. One day, I wake up, and I want that person. Plus, spells that are supposed to create desire don't actually create desire. They create obsession, a desperate need for that person, and a sense that if you don't have them, you'll go crazy. I haven't gotten that feeling. Of course I want him, but that doesn't mean I'm obsessed.

I smile softly to myself at my thoughts. Who knew I could be such a philosopher this early in the morning?

I sigh and stretch my arms upward, twisting side to side to crack my back.

"You shouldn't tease a girl like that, Sirius." The voice startles me. I glance over my shoulder and see Mary smirking at me. I had forgotten that I had ditched her several times. I've been avoiding her actually.

I give her a tight smile and get up to leave. She places a hand on my chest and pushes me back down. "You can't keep away from me." She digs her fingernails into me and then twists my shirt into her fist.

She pulls me up from my seat, pulls me close to her. She smells good. Not as good as Remus. Nothing smells as good as Remus. But I haven't been this close to a female in a long time. I may want Remus, but that doesn't mean I don't like women any more.

She's breathing deep and heavy, her breasts rising and falling, pressing against her already tight sweater. We're just standing there, her fingers twisted in my shirt, when I pull her towards me, kissing her deeply, not caring that we are in the middle of Great Hall. I'm used to making a spectacle of myself.

She breaks the kiss only to grab me by the hand. I'm vaguely aware of being led into someplace small, dank and dark. But I'm too wrapped up in her to really notice. When I finally figure out we are alone, I push her against the wall. She wraps one leg around me, pulling me even closer.

I'm getting harder, moving against her, tasting her. And then nothing. I don't want her. She's just convenient because I can't have who I really want. I'm frustrated, and I could perhaps convince myself she could help with that frustration, but I won't. I don't want her.

I want Remus.

I want him. I want to hold him, and kiss him, and yes fuck him, and make love to him, and talk to him, and share all of myself with him.

I back away from Mary. She stares at me. Her eyes narrow in anger. How did I ever sleep with her? She's nothing. I walk away. Remus needs me in the library.

As I leave, I'm filled with a desperate need to find Remus. I just need to find him. When I get to the library I almost sigh in frustration. Of course he's not right out in the open. He's probably snug in some tiny corner no one has visited for centuries. I begin a frantic search for him. My heart is pounding in my chest and I'm cursing myself for getting distracted with Mary. How could I let her touch me?

I can't find Remus. It seems I've circled the library dozens of times, weaving in and out of shelves. He's not here. And he's not at breakfast. He's not in the dormitory or the common room. The castle is a big place, he could be any where.

I start to panic. What if something had happened to him? And then I realize how completely stupid I've been. Andromeda. He could be with her right now. I feel the tiniest bit of regret that I had stopped things with Mary. I may want Remus, but he doesn't want me.

I stop myself from marching right to Andromeda's room. Think stupid! She's not here. She and Ted are gone! Remus could still be anywhere. I race out of the library, determined to search each and every room until I find him. And then I come to a screeching halt. There's an easier way to search the castle.

We decided the Marauder's map should stay with those who remain at the castle. It does not good anywhere else. I sprint through the corridors back to out dormitory and pull out the map.

I have to stop myself from speeding through everything. I need to study each room, floor by floor. Examine any dots for Remus. The map even covers the grounds. I will find him.

Minutes pass, but it feels like hours. I have to keep rechecking corridors and classrooms, hoping in my urgency I missed him. But after I searched everything, I give into despair. I can't find him. I try to stop myself from panicking like a little girl, and then I see it: A small dot fading in and out of the map. Someone is just off the grounds of Hogwarts. It could be Remus.

I run from the room. I almost dash away without bringing a coat, but something in me makes me stop and grab it.

It's freezing outside. The wind cuts through straight to my bones. I'm running as fast as I can, my feet crunching against the frost covered grass. My breathing is quick and shallow. The cold air stings as it is pulled into my lungs. I'm near the edge of the grounds. There's a thin line of trees ahead, and once I've crossed into them, I should be close.

I'm scanning between trees, turning round in circles, trying to catch any glimpse of Remus. I'm ready to give up. My eyes are seeing everything and nothing. I'm never going to find him like this! I can feel myself start to give in to panic, and I shut my eyes. I calm my breathing. I know I can find him, but only if I stop looking.

As my breaths get slower and farther apart, my heart beats get slower as well. I feel calm. The air is still. I don't feel the cold. I open my eyes. I know where to find him.

I know I'm getting closer. I can feel him. I know he's alive. I push undergrowth out of the way, and suddenly he's there. I rush over to him. He's laying down, naked, curled in on himself. I rush to his side and place my fingers over his neck. He has a pulse. It's steady. I take my coat off. I'm glad I brought it. I gather him in my arms and wrap the coat around him. He doesn't wake up. I smooth back his hair. My fingers come away sticky with blood. His face is covered in bruises.

His injuries weren't caused by him. He was loose last night during the full moon. He stirs in my arms. He winces as he opens his eyes. Dried blood had sealed one shut. I rub his face and let the blood flake away.

He stares at me. I smile gently. He buries his face in my neck and begins to sob. My only response is to hold him tighter.

_Remus…Moony, what happened to you?_

A/N: Again, sorry. Not only for the delay, but also for this crappy chapter. I don't really like it, and it's really more of a tranistion to get back to Remus so we can find out what happened! What do you think happened? I know what happened.


	13. Chapter 13

Hey wow. It didn't take me three months to update!! GO ME! Well, now you get to find out what happened to Moony...

I reached for the vial.

Even as my hand moves closer to it, I have no idea what I am going to do. I won't drink it. I can't. Maybe I'll throw it. He could have more, but I need to stall. I won't do what he wants. Not willingly.

I take the vial in my hand and uncork the top. I bring it towards me. I look into his face. His pupils have dilated. His breathing is hot and heavy. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. Without even realizing what I am doing, I smash the vial into the soft spot on the side of his head above his cheek bone.

I don't wait for any reaction, I simply act. I jump off the bed and run out the door, turning in the opposite direction than I had before. I run at full speed. I try to ignore his yelling and cursing. My eyes scan quickly, desperately, trying to find any source of light. As I look briefly left and right, I don't see what is right in front of me. I stumble and fall down the stairs.

I lay on the landing for only a few moments before I drag myself up. I limp towards a thin stream of light near the floor. It's the crack between a door way. I lean against it, searching desperately for a handle. I can hear him coming down the stairs. He walks. He takes his time. He's taunting me. I can smell the outside air, but I can't get the door open.

My knuckles are bleeding from pounding against the wood. It doesn't budge. I use my shoulder. He's on the landing by the time I get the door to open. I dislocate my shoulder in the process, but I don't pay it any mind. I run out of the house and into the fading sunlight. I don't stop running.

I can feel him following me. He's started to run. I can smell his sweat. I clutch my arm against my chest, trying to maintain my balance as I run. I have no idea where I am, but something inside me tells me to run west, towards the sun.

He follows.

I run, watching the sun sink lower and lower on the horizon. For once, being a werewolf has its advantage. Unfortunately, he has the same advantages I do: endurance, strength, speed. I probably could keep running until I change, and then run even more. But so can he. I just need to stay ahead of him.

I need to get somewhere before the moon rises. I don't want to be loose when I change. He wanted me to be out. But I don't think I can lock myself up. I can't put myself in a cage for him.

Darkness settles in around me. My breathing is hoarse and ragged. He's farther back than he was when he first gave chase. My body is younger, stronger. But he's still following. I'm tiring, but I can feel the moon. It's giving me strength. I know I will be able to run all night once I change. But so can he. And when we change, we will both be dangerous.

The moon is coming. My body starts preparing. Bones shift and muscles tighten. I loose myself in the change.

The next thing I remember is being cold. And then naked. I'm cold and naked. I feel myself being gathered into someone's arms. I try to move, open my eyes, anything, but I can't seem to get my body to stir. The someone who is holding me smoothes back my hair.

I feel cloth being wrapped around me. It's comforting and familiar. I need to open my eyes. I struggle with myself, willing my body to move. Finally, it obeys. I stir slightly. Next, I need to open my eyes. I try to pull my lids open, but it's as if they have been sown shut. Panic rises in me as I first squeeze them shut and then rip them open. I look up into the most beautiful face I have ever seen. He smiles down at me. I reach up to him, and he pulls me closer in his arms. I can't help the tears from falling. He only holds me tighter.

I don't think we stayed there long. I'm not sure, but Sirius was the one who finally helped me to stand and wrap the coat around myself. I think he would have carried me back to Hogwarts, but even in my condition, a guy's got to have some pride. I do lean on him as we walk though. He's warm against my side, and as he pulls me close, I begin to be depressed.

Ever since I learned of the marks existence, I have been aware of its presence, as if I could feel it pressing into my flesh like hot breath. I don't feel it anymore. This is not why I'm depressed. I'm not upset that my connection with my tormentor is broken. However, the spell is broken over Sirius as well. I had to go and become attracted to someone who only liked me because of a spell. He was being a really great friend though, still holding me close. A really great friend.

The corridors are quiet. We make our way to the infirmary. It is not quiet. Professors and nurses are running frantic. Of course, it was the full moon last night, and I didn't show up. Everything stops as Sirius and I walk into the room. I almost laugh at the stunned look on everyone's face, but I don't. I imagine it would hurt. No one moves as Sirius leads me to the nearest bed. He helps me into it. I pull the blankets over my head and drift into sleep as I hear Sirius begin to explain what happened. I don't even care if he tells the truth, just so long as he doesn't tell the whole truth.

The next few days are a blur. I remember them asking questions and doing tests. They are very concerned with the mark. I keep trying to tell them that it's gone, but they don't seem to believe me. They can't take it on faith alone that I know it's gone simply because I know. In refusing him, I broke the connection. I was able to do so because I'm an adult. If I was still a child, he would have control over me. He could come back for me. But he only had one chance at me, and I resisted.

Aurors will be out searching, but I have this sinking feeling they won't find anything. He's gone from my life, for now at least. Too bad he still remains within me. I keep having nightmares, repeating that day over and over again. In my nightmares, I don't always get away. I don't remember my dreams when Sirius is around, but they won't let him stay over night, and I can't go back to our dormitory, not until classes start again. I wonder what I will say to James and Peter?

Turns out, I don't have to worry about what I'll say to them. Sirius wrote to them, explaining what happened. Hopefully, he will give the same version he has already given. Even though they are my friends, I don't want them to know everything. They don't need to know about what effect the mark had on my personal life. Plus, Sirius doesn't need to be reminded that a spell made him gay for a while. He hasn't said anything about that, and I'm not really ready to bring it up. But we will need to talk about it. I want to make sure he understands that his feelings were not his own, and that he shouldn't feel ashamed or awkward.

Winter holiday is over, and classes resume tomorrow. I'm back in my own bed, and I still can't sleep. I still haven't talked to Sirius. I mean, I talk to him, but we avoid any heavy subjects. I know he wants to know about what happened, but I don't know if I'm ready to share. James and Peter are back. They are both asleep. Sirius isn't. I can tell. I wonder if he knows I'm awake. I silently curse at myself of my stupidity. Of course Sirius isn't desperately thinking about me. He doesn't want me. Not anymore. Not that he ever did.

I eventually drift off into a restless sleep. I dream of Sirius holding me in his arms.

James and Peter try their hardest to not be awkward with me. But I know why they are so uncomfortable. They are asking themselves what everyone is: was I raped? The answer is no, not physically. Sirius wants to know too, but even he won't ask. Rumors are spreading around school. I can feel the whispers following me. I've taken to hiding in the library more and more. I have my face when Sirius finds me. I know he's ready to have "the talk."

"Moony? Are you okay?" He wants to ask so much more.

"I'm fine."

"You do know what fine means, don't you?" I don't know what he's getting at.

"Fine means I'm fine."

"No. Fine means Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional." I don't answer. Instead, I simply try and not look at him. If I do, I'll get preoccupied with how good his shoulders fill out his shirt or how his hair felt as I twisted it in my fingers.

I don't have that skin crawling feeling anymore when he's around. That was a symptom of the mark. I was to be a sexual object, and I wasn't fulfilling my purpose. That's why I latched onto Sirius. I expected my feeling for him to fade, as his feelings for me have faded. Instead, they became more intense. I wanted him as much now as I did the night I kissed him. Only this time, the want was not poisoned by the mark. I just wanted him.

He puts his hand on my shoulder. I relax instantly. His fingers are warm. Hot even. I want those fingers on other places of my body.

"Moony, I just want you to talk to me. Please." It was the please that did it. It was filled with need, the need for me to be better, to be happy. He didn't want to know so he could know all the horrible details. He wanted to know so I could start to deal with it.

"We can't do a lot of talking in the library. Let's go find someplace else." He smiles as I tell him this. I take a deep breath, and prepare myself to tell everything to Sirius. He deserves to know.

I let him find somewhere to talk. It does mean I get to follow him. It's a nice view.

A/N: And you all thought I would let Greyback have Remus! NEVER! Oh, but now we are back to square one with our boys. Does Sirius still have feelings for Remus? Was it all a spell? Who knows? Please review. (See how I said please?)


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I'm such a tease.

* * *

We find an empty classroom that hasn't even been used for years. It has no desks, no chairs, not even any bits of parchment or quills. It's clean though. A big, empty clean room. The house elves clean it regularly, like they do everything else, except the trophy room. They don't touch that. I guess its maintenance is strictly due to student punishments.

We sit on the floor, leaning up against on wall. Our legs are stretched out before us, almost touching. I can feel Remus's warmth seeping into my own thigh. I want to scootch over the tiniest bit so I am actually touching him, but I can't do that. The curse is broken or whatever, and Remus doesn't have the mark anymore. He said that what I was feeling was only the mark, that when it was gone, my feelings would change.

He was right.

I don't feel about him what I did over the break. That was nothing compared to what I feel for him now.

Before, I felt almost a compulsive need to touch him, to have him touch me, and while it felt real, the need was for simply the physical pleasure I could get from him. Now, I want everything for him, from him. I want to give him pleasure, not simply take it from him. That though never had crossed my mind when I was under the power of the mark. I realize now that I was under a spell, but the mark was only tainting what I already felt for him.

Without the mark, I wanted Remus more than I ever had before.

But I couldn't do anything about it. I don't really know what happened to Moony that night, and I'm not sure I want to find out. However, he needs to talk to someone, and I would rather it be me, simply because I don't actually want to know.

He needs to get the poison out of his system. And that's all I can be to him. Remus said my feelings for him were only a spell, and in a way he was right, but he was also affected by it. He felt deep seeded sexual frustration, and I was willing to help him relieve it. Nothing more. I can't expect him to want me the same way that he did before. Because before wasn't real.

And I still don't know what happened. Whatever that monster did to him, he can't want another male to touch him.

So I sit close to Remus, not touching him, but close enough to feel his warmth, as he tells me everything. I want so much to reach out to him, but I have to hold myself in check. He's telling me about sexual assault from another man, the last thing he'll want is comfort from me. So I sit and listen.

When he's finished, we sit in silence. I don't know how to respond. On one hand, I am so completely ecstatic that Moony got away, but I can still see that he is shaken by the experience. He shivers slightly, and before I realize what I am doing, I pull him into a tight embrace. I half expect him to tense and pull away, but he only wraps him arms around me. He begins to sob quietly. I only hold him closer.

It feels wonderful to just hold him. I begin to rub his back. I know I shouldn't. I feel like I'm taking advantage of him or something. He's just scared and upset, and I'm using that as an excuse to keep him in my arms. Eventually his tears subside and he pulls away. I reluctantly let him go.

"Sorry about that," he mumbles. "I got your shirt wet." He turned red at that. We resumed our starting position of backs against the wall, legs stretched out in front. Again, we were close enough that I could feel his warmth, but not touching. I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes. I have my hands resting in my lap, and it's all I can do to keep them relaxed. I want to reach over and touch him, and the effort not to almost makes my clench them in frustration.

I finally get the nerve to ask him what I've been dying to ever since I found him bloody and naked. "What are you going to do about him?"

I can feel him staring at me. "Nothing."

I finally look back at him. "What do you mean nothing?"

"What can I do? I'm not going to go looking for him. I don't ever want to see him again. He's a fugitive. Other people can deal with it." Even through this speech, I know he doesn't believe it. I can feel his anger with what was done to him. I decide not to pester him about his emotions too much. In order to break the silence I say the first thing that comes to my mind.

"You hungry?"

He looks at me in confusion before he bursts out laughing. He's laughing loud and hard, full of more mirth than I have seen in a long time. It brings a smile to my face, and then I am laughing with him. Again tears are streaming down his face, but this time not from isolation, fear, and anger, but because the laughter is almost too much, that if he didn't cry, he would burst.

"Thanks." He manages to gasp out. I can only nod in response. I eventually manage to stand and hold my hand out to help him up. He grasps on to hit and I help yank him to his feet. I pull up to hard though, and he stumbles into me. His hands fly out and brace themselves against my chest. I catch him before he falls. The laughter is gone immediately, replaced by the realization that he is warm in my arms.

He stares at me. Without realizing it, I brush the few wispy strands of hair from his face with one hand. The other is around him. He hasn't moved his hands from my chest. I'm barely breathing. He slowly drags the very tips of his fingers down my front. Through the cloth of my shirt I can hardly feel his light touch, but the ghost of it is enough to make me shiver.

At the same instant that I lose all reason and control and pull him into me, he grips the waistband of my trousers and pulls me into him. And then I'm kissing him, and he's kissing me.

I push him back against the wall, one hand slipping under the back of his shirt, the other curled in his hair. He bent one knee forward, pressing it between my legs. I gasp as I feel his body shudder against me. I move slowly against him, kissing him gently, thoroughly. Our kisses are deliciously, almost painfully slow. But I see no reason to try and speed things up. I want this to last for as long as possible.

After all, Remus might come to his senses and stop kissing me.

I let my hands drift over his body, taking my time to explore each and every inch of him I can reach while still keeping my lips locked on his. He gasps as I brush across his ribs, but this time not in pleasure. He's still sore from what happened. It's enough to make me stop.

I pull away from him, and his eyes flutter open, confusion clear in them.

"What's wrong?" Concern has replaced the confusion.

"You're hurt." It's the only response I can offer him. It's the only reason I stopped.

"I'm fine."

"Do we have to go over what F.I.N.E. means again."

He sighs, "I'm not hurt…at least, not that bad." A shadow crosses his face. I can tell he's lying, and his hurt is not all physical either. I shouldn't have let myself get carried away. He reaches out for me, but I back away.

"Look Remus, I'm not so sure this is a good idea."

He nods slowly, pursing his lips before walking out the door. He'll get over it. Once he's come to terms with what has happened, he won't need me like he thinks he does. I don't know if we can ever be friends like we were before all this, but we'll be something.

I aimlessly walk back towards our common room, hoping and dreading that he's there. I walk through the portrait hole and am assailed by the noise of the place. I had forgotten how loud it can be, after the isolation of the holidays.

And amid all this noise and confusion, my eyes are immediately drawn to Remus as he sits before the fire place. He's staring down at his hands in deep contemplation. No, not contemplation, panic. He's trying his best to hide it, but I know he's one step away from a full blown panic attack.

I make my way over to him, having to push past chattering and giggling first years. It's then that I see just what has him in such a state of panic. He holds a copy of the Daily Prophet in his hands. It's not the news on the front page or even an enlarged headline that has him upset. It's really just a blip of a story.

I sit down next to him and pull the paper from his hands. The story is short, though it contains a certain amount of vulgarity. Several animal carcasses have been found on the outskirts of Hogsmeade.

"Moony, you don't know it's him." He looks up at me.

"And what if it is. He's still around…so close." He wrapped his arms around himself. I wish the common room was empty, but there's not much I can do to comfort him with so many people around. I settle for a quick pat on his knee. He gives a slight smile in acknowledgment.

The animal carcasses could just be a coincidence, but the sinking feeling within me lets me know that Fenrir Greyback has not given up on Remus.

* * *

A/N: So hey, not the fastest update ever, but still shorter than three months!! I was planning on wrapping this story up…but then I decided I liked writing it too much to only have one more chapter…so I hope you all want me to continue!!


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I'm so freaking sorry!!! Anyways, here's another chapter that took me far to long to get started on. **

**(Back to Remus's POV)**

I can feel the fear within me. I try to hide it, pretend that I don't care. But I know he's out there, biding his time. Sometimes, as I lie awake at night, not wanting to sleep for fear of my nightmares, I can feel his hands on me.

I feel dirty.

Sirius makes bold promises, and I want to believe him. I wish I could believe him. He says he'll keep me safe, that he won't let him get me. Won't let him have me.

He's so close. Every few days or so, I read another article about the mysterious slaughter of animals. The reports make a circle around Hogwarts. He's telling me I can't run, he has me surrounded. I thought I was safe at Hogwarts, but he got to me before.

He'll get me again. It's only a matter of time before he has his hands on me once more.

I shudder at the thought and try to do my homework. I try and keep up the façade of normalcy. I don't want Sirius to worry about me.

It's been a few days, and the onslaught of reports has ceased. I don't know what that means. Sirius is hopeful. He thinks I'll be safe. But that night as I try and stay awake, I'm flooded by memories of cold hands, a hot tongue and harsh words about hard cocks. I fall asleep with those memories on the surface of my mind, and it's all I dream about.

I try to lose myself in other thoughts, thoughts of being with Sirius. I create fantasies in my mind where nothing exists but me and him. There is no evil, no darkness. At first I thought nothing could ever be between the two of us. After all, it was only the spell that made him attracted to me right? But then he kissed me. You don't kiss someone like that if you don't want them.

Sirius wants me. And I want him. It's too perfect really. It would solve everything.

I just have to get the timing right. I can't have Peter or James interfering. My injuries are almost healed, so Sirius won't have that excuse to stop. I need them to be gone from the room for a period of time, or I need to find another place to be with Sirius. An idea pops into my head, and it sounds rather despicable, even in my own head. It's even a bit sleazy really. I think Sirius would appreciate it. I'm going to get us a room, just for the day, on our next Hogsmeade visit.

Getting the room will be easy enough. It's a simple thing to send an owl over with a room request. I'll pay for the room in advance too. Every inn in Hogsmeade gets plenty of Hogwart's students who want rooms, but most don't actually want to pay for them. The inns, as a result, have pretty much stopped catering to students. However, if I pay in advance, and pay a little extra, I should have no problems.

The real trick is going to be not only getting Sirius to the room, but making sure James and Peter are occupied so they won't wonder where we are.

I grab my quill and some parchment. I might as well get the easy part over with.

The next few days, my mood is much brighter. I'm fairly certain Sirius thinks I've stopped worrying now that the animal attacks have stopped. I worry still. But now that I found a solution, I won't be worrying for long. Hogsmeade trip in one week. One week until security. One week until bliss.

And then the best thing happened. A new joke shop is opening that very same weekend. A manage to score two premium passes to the shop: one for James and one for Peter. Naturally, I don't let them know I was the one who got the passes. I also make sure only James and Peter can use them. I don't want Peter giving in to pressure from Sirius to get one. Sirius looks genuinely unhappy that he didn't get one, but I'll make it up to him.

Four days until Hogsmeade. I still haven't determined how I'm going to get Sirius into the room. On the bright side, I'm all healed. No more bruises, cuts, scrapes, or sprains. Sirius can't stop now. He used my injuries as an excuse to not be with me, but he can't any longer. I'm healed, I'm fit, and I'm ready.

Three days until Hogsmeade. I've simply determined that I will just grab Sirius and tell him to follow me. Then I'll lead him up to the room. He won't see it coming. He'll follow me, and he won't realize where we are until we are there. The inn has a back staircase. We'll use that one. I'll check in earlier in the day.

Two days until Hogsmeade. I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. Over and over I create fantasies about what will happen with Sirius. I'm moving through the hours in a blur of lust and eagerness and hope that soon everything will be better, soon, everything will be perfect.

Hogsmeade tomorrow. I've received my room confirmation. The owl came during breakfast and it broke my heart to hide it from Sirius. But I didn't want him knowing what I had planned.

That night, I can't sleep. My skin is crawling with anticipation. All I can think about is Sirius. I feel hot and flushed and excited. I can't remember the last time I was so hard, but I don't touch myself. I want Sirius to. I want to come over and over again because of what he will do to me. Unfortunately, I can't walk around with a hard on all day, so just before dawn I give up, get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom.

A few hours later, James and Peter are off to the new joke shop. Sirius looks longingly after them, but I will make it up to him. I grab his hand in mine. He looks down, startled. I haven't so much as brushed against him since the day we kissed in the empty classroom. I smile slightly.

"Come with me," I whisper, and tug at his hand. He has no choice really, but he follows me. I have the key to the room already. I checked while Sirius was busy with James at the Quidditch shop. I pull him into an alley towards the back stairs. He doesn't know what the building is, but he doesn't try to stop me or slow down. I practically drag him up the stairs, and my hands are shaking so bad I can barely open the door. I can see realization dawning on Sirius's face, but before he can say anything, I open the door, drag Sirius inside, slam the door shut and press Sirius against it.

His eyes are wide with shock, his mouth slightly open. That delicious, wonderful mouth. I can't help it any longer, and I kiss him. He doesn't kiss me back. I pull away from him, frowning.

"Sirius, what's the matter?"

"What are we doing here?"

"I think that's pretty obvious." I go to kiss him again, and he stops me with a hand on my chest.

"Moony, I don't think we should be doing this right now."

I swallow thickly; his eyes follow the motion of my throat. I take a step in towards him. He doesn't move his hand from my chest.

"And why not?" I ask. "My injuries are healed, we're alone, no one can interrupt us. I want this." I pause. "And I know you want this." My eyes travel down towards his obvious erection.

"I just," he pauses as I press myself into him. "I just think after what happened…when you…and that monster…"

I put my hand over his mouth.

"Don't talk about him. This has nothing to do with him. This is about you and me. Now are you gonna shut up and kiss me or keep yammering on about _him_?" I slowly remove my hand. Sirius licks his lips and I shudder. I want him so bad. I need him. I need him to fuck me, to ruin me. Because if he does, then Greyback won't want me any longer. It's only too late I realize I was speaking my thoughts out loud. Sirius's eyes widen in horror.

"Is that why you want this? Want me? So Greyback won't?" Sirius struggles to get away. But I don't let him move from against the door.

"Look, the reason why I want this might be a little complicated, but that doesn't mean I don't want you. I do! For fuck's sake, feel how much I want this!" I grab his hand and place it against me. There is no mistake. I want this, and Sirius hand against me, even if he didn't put it there almost makes me come.

Sirius groans slightly, his hand beginning to move. I immediately latch my lips onto his, arching myself into him. His hands leave me and I whimper slightly, but he only is removing my belt.

There is no stopping this now.

**A/N: I am such a tease...but reviews feed me and make me nicer!!!! Maybe I won't wait half a year to rediscover this story!!!!**


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